Government Unveils New Airline Security Plans
Fake News written by on Sunday, December 2, 2001
First the FAA eliminated curb-side check-ins and banned nail-clippers and sharpened pencils from luggage. Then the Federal government took over most airport security jobs, turning the "friendly skies" into a new bureaucracy that will make standing in line at the DMV seem almost pleasant.
Critics charged, however, that these policies are too little, too late. In response, the FAA and FBI announced brand new security rules earlier today that will prevent 100% of would-be terrorists from boarding planes. (Along with 100% of ordinary citizens, too.)
The new rules include:
- All passengers must undergo a five-day waiting period before purchasing tickets. During this time, their names will be cross-checked against the FBI Master Database to find all possible terrorists, terrorist sympathizers, illegal aliens, legal aliens, dissidents, Libertarians, nuclear engineers, pacifists, Arabic-speakers, flight school graduates, Muslims, and journalists who have asked the wrong questions at some point. All of these "un-Americans" will have their airline privileges denied, and some of the unlucky ones will be arrested, send to "relocation camps", or possibly deported... to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.
- When arriving at the airport 10 hours before scheduled departure times, passengers will be required to show five forms of photo ID while retinal scans, brain wave pattern scans, and DNA samples are again cross-checked with a national database. Then, passengers must take off all outside clothes (which could conceal a dangerous weapon like an unsharpened pencil that could later be sharpened on the plane and used to gouge the eyes out of a flight attendant) and slip into translucent airline-supplied uniforms without pockets. At this point, they will be allowed to proceed into the main terminal so they can hurry up and wait.
- While waiting in the terminal, the conversations and brain-wave patterns of all passengers will be intercepted and analyzed by a computer to detect possible terrorists, terrorist sympathizers, illegal aliens, legal aliens, dissidents, Libertarians, etc. that slipped through the cracks. Such un-Americans will be arrested, sent to the airport's secret subterranean prison for extensive questioning and probing, and then shipped off to Fort Leavenworth (by truck, not plane). Meanwhile, the entire terminal will be evacuated and everybody will go through security again to double-check that nobody was contaminated by the vile ideas of the un-Americans.
- At departure time, any remaining passengers will be escorted on to the plane by armed guards following a "fill with lead first, ask questions later" policy. (Of course, departure times will be delayed a random amount between 3 and 72 hours to throw off would-be terrorists). Once on the plane, passengers will be handcuffed to their seats and then given a large dose of chloroform to put them to sleep for the duration of the flight. Even if a terrorist were to smuggle an unsharpened pencil on board, they won't be able to use their weapon because they will be knocked cold even before takeoff. The only people allowed to remain awake during flight will be the pilot, co-pilot, co-co-pilot, 25 flight marshals, and the single flight attendant serving airplane "food" to the flight marshals.
- All luggage will be intentionally loaded on to the wrong plane. Before, only about 25% of luggage was sent to Abu Dhabi or Timbuktu "by mistake". By increasing this rate to 100%, terrorists will be unable to put bombs on the planes they want and will hopefully not even try. Of course, before the luggage even reaches the plane, it will be opened, search, and anything of value will be confiscated "for national security reasons".
- If the plane veers off course, the cockpit will fill with chloroform and the auto-pilot will take over control, landing the plane at the nearest airport or deep lake, whichever is more convenient.
The new policies will go into full effect by February of 2002. Realizing that these new rules will require an additional $1,000 "security surcharge" on each ticket, the FAA has also unveiled a new plan to increase airline travel. Under this scheme, cameras will be placed along busy highways and will record license plate numbers into a national database. Motorists who drove more than 300 miles in one day will be sent a letter advertising all of the benefits of air travel along with a free coupon for 1 million frequent flyer miles. Meanwhile, the system will also track the movements of terrorists, terrorist sympathizers, illegal aliens, legal aliens, dissidents, Libertarians, etc. all in the name of national security and protecting the children.