Santa Claus = Witchcraft

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Saturday, November 17, 2001

from the could-it-be-SATAN? dept.

SALEM, MA CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO -- Mrs. Ernestine Schowengerdt is on a mission to eliminate any form of "witchcraft" or "Satan-worshipping" from popular culture. She has formed the "Association Of Outraged Soccer Moms Against Harry Potter, Satan, And Anything Else We Don't Like" and has already enlisted support from thousands of Southeast Missourians.

Besides the "evil, brain-washing, Satan-promoting, wizardry-condoning, pro-witchcraft" movie Harry Potter, the group has its targets locked on another popular character with shadowy undertones: Santa Claus.

"It's obvious that Santa Claus is connected with the occult," Mrs. Schowengerdt said. "The elves, the flying reindeer, the infinitely large toy sack... think about it! Only some type of a witch or Satan-worshipper would have the supernatural ability to touch his finger to his nose and magically traverse a narrow chimney! Santa (or should I say Satan?) Claus is a dangerous myth perpetrated on the American public by a bunch of anti-Christian conspirators!"

Another member of the Outraged Soccer Moms group, Mrs. Eloise Beloof, chipped in, "It's even worse than that! Satan Claus was devised by Left Coast liberals in pursuit of brain-washing our children. Just as liberals want people to shut-up and behave so that they will receive their Federal handouts, Santa Claus wants children to shut-up and behave so they will receive their Christmas handouts. Santa Claus is nothing more than a liberal conspiracy to turn our children into mindless welfare addicts dependent on an all-powerful Big Brother government!"

The Soccer Moms want parents to tell their young children the truth about Santa Claus. "No more lies, no more deceit," a campaign brochure proclaims. "We must fight Satan by revealing that Santa Claus is an elaborate scam. We tell our children not to lie, but then we turn around and lie to them about Christmas! The Satanic cult of the North Pole must be stopped!"

Next year, the association plans to attack other Satanic influences on American society, including:

  • The Easter Bunny (only a wizard can cause rabbits to lay eggs)
  • "The Wizard of Oz" (wizards, witches, magic, oh my!)
  • "Star Wars" movies (another name for "The Force" is "wizardry")
  • Professional basketball (any organization that promotes teams with names like "Wizards" or "Magic" is obviously in bed with sinister forces)
  • Halloween (for obvious reasons)
  • Public libraries and bookstores (the place where liberals distribute their evil works including "Harry Potter", "Lord of the Rings", and "Witchcraft for Dummies")
  • Public universities (where all of the atheists and neo-pagans congregate and enroll in classes like "The Art & Literature of Post-Modern Paganism & Polytheistic Religions: A Paradigm Shift)

"We have a long road ahead of us," said Mrs. Schowengerdt. "But with any luck, we'll be able to eliminate these Satanic scourges from America once and for all."