Beat-Up Refrigerator... Or Modern Art?

Larry Cooner on Saturday, August 11, 2001

from the maybe-he's-having-a-yard-sale dept.

REDTON -- Old Man McGlergle's front yard contains several beat-up refrigerators, broken-down cars, faded Confederate flags, and rotten piles of wood. After years of complaining, the neighbors have convinced the Redton City Council to enact an ordinance outlawing the operation of a junk yard or trash heap within city limits.

Mr. McGlergle isn't going to take this without a fight, however. At a crowded city council meeting held yesterday, he said that the objects in his front yard represent "modern art".

"Those aren't transmission blocks hanging from that tree. Those are symbols representing the eternal struggle between man and machine," he said. "That's not a pile of rotten timber, but a metaphor for how our existence is constantly changing and decaying."

Many in attendance at the meeting didn't buy McGlergle's explanation. "Bullshit!" yelled Doc Williams. "What the hell is this guy smoking? And where can I get some for myself?"

About six months ago, Bob McGlergle returned from a two-week trip to California, commonly known in these parts as the "Left Coast". According to his neighbors, he hasn't been the same since.

"It's obvious those liberal hippie freaks have brainwashed Bob somehow with all of their fancy big city talk about art and culture," said Gertrude Gerlicke.

Members of the city council weren't sure how to proceed with enforcing the new ordinance. After all, Mr. McGlergle has a big sign out front that says, "I've got a permit. It's called the Second Amendment."

Said coucilman Floyd Dunce, "We all know McGlergle has a large cabinet filled with loaded shotguns -- and I'm talking about real guns with real bullets, not artistic symbols of the struggle between right and wrong or some such bull. I'm not going near that place."

The mayor has offered to lend the city's cow for a few days to help cut the grass and weeds that have grown up around some of the beat-up cars. Mr. McGlergle, however, wasn't very keen on the offer. "That grass represents the challenges and perils that face modern-day America. It's my canvas. So there!"