Local Man Gets Three Years For Tossing Wasp Out Window

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Friday, July 20, 2001

from the flyswatters-are-a-dangerous-weapon dept.

POCAHONTAS, MO -- California isn't the only state concerned about the rights of animals and other lower life-forms. A local "yard ornament designer" has been sentenced to three years in prison for "insect rights violations" after he murdered a red wasp.

The incident occured last year on Route C south of Pocahontas. Two drivers blocked the highway while they gossipped out of their side windows about the latest health problems suffered by one Ms. Edna Crowley. Meanwhile, Mr. Ernest Q. Slakjah, the man convicted of insecticide, developed a fit of road rage while waiting impatiently for the two "blue-hairs" to clear out of his way.

Mr. Slakjah reportedly shouted, "Get a [expletive] cell phone so you can share your [expletive] gossip without blocking the [expletive] road! [Expletive], Missouri should pass a law requiring cell phones in every vehicle to put an end to this sort of [expletive] dangerous behavior!"

It was at this point that a red wasp entered Ernest Slakjah's truck and threatened to sting him. The enraged man grabbed the wasp bare-handed, slung it out the window, and then proceeded to run over it several times.

"And I'm going to run over you two idiots if you don't shut up and move your [expletive] [expletive]!" he then yelled.

Immediately after the incident, the two ladies reported the man to the local police, who quickly apprehended the insect killer.

"We simply can't let people run around and murder innocent life-forms. Insects have rights too!" explained one police officer.

During the trial, the jury was quick to convict Mr. Slakjah of first degree insecticide and animal rights violations.

"To think that poor wasp had a mother and a family!" exclaimed the jury foreman. "We must put a stop to the senseless violence. How many innocent insects must perish before mankind learns to contain his violent tendencies?"

Animal rights activists applauded the groundbreaking decision. "Now we can go after the exterminators who make a living out of mass-murdering innocent insects. Or the careless drivers who murder thousands of raccoons, possums, turtles, and armadillos each day on the highway. The insanity must end!"