Bob Holden Unveils Fee Schedule

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, July 19, 2001

from the it's-not-a-bribe-it's-a-fee dept.

JEFF CITY -- As part of his "One Missouri" program, Missouri Governor Bob Holden announced today a unified rate schedule for services offered by the Governor's office.

"Now a Missouri citizen will know exactly how large a, um... 'payment' they need to give in order to, for instance, have a freeway named after them," explained Holden at a press conference. "Under this standard pricing scheme, the people of Missouri can enter the 21st Century knowing that they can do business with the Governor's office while getting a fair price."

The Governor has also announced an installment plan so that even poor Missourians can afford these services. Boasted one staff member in the Governor's office, "For one dollar down and zero-point-nine percent financing for 36 months, you can receive a letter of recommendation signed by the Governor for that state job you've always wanted!"

Some of the most popular items on the new fee schedule include:

Item Cost
Executive order that takes a cut of out of the paychecks of state workers and sends the money directly to your coffers Only $40,000
(or $60,000 if you want the money to be tax-exempt)
Highway, freeway or bridge named after you Only $10,000 per mile
Large corporate welfare handout for your business to build an extravagant new office or venue Only $1,000,000!
(And the Governor will personally guarantee that you will receive at least $100 million in return, just like the St. Louis Cardinals for their new stadium.)
New four-lane freeway built to your house or business at taxpayer's expense Only $100,000
State holiday decreed in honor of your favorite cause Only $20,000
Boundary change that moves your property to a different school district, city, or county with a lower tax rate Starting at only $29.95
Governor's pardon Price to be announced near the end of the Governor's term
Official endorsement of your product or service by the Governor Only $9,999.95
Official endorsement of your product or service by the Lieutenant Governor Special offer -- only $49.95!
(Missouri can offer this amazing deal because only five people in the entire state actually know the name of the Lt. Gov.)
Appointment to a board, commission, or other state office $10,000 for Democrats
($90,000 for Republicans)
New Cabinet-level position with a bogus job title that pays a six-figure salary Only $20,000
(This special offer available only to Democrats who have contributed at least $1,000 to the party within the previous year.)
Letter of recommendation for a state job written and signed by the Governor Only $1,000
(If you don't get the job, you'll get half of your money back, guaranteed!)