Local Man Given Citation For Having Fun

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, June 19, 2001

from the putting-a-stop-to-the-madness dept.

LAKE WAPPAPELLO -- Earlier today the Wayne County Sheriff Department responded to a report that a swimmer at Peoples Creek was "having a good time". When Sgt. Erwin Fauxman arrived on the scene, he observed that the man, later identified as Puxico resident Bud Lurbacher, had a slight contraction in his right cheek muscle indicating a grin or possibly a smile.

"A grin is prima facie evidence that someone is having a good time," explained Sgt. Fauxman. "Such an act is in violation of RSMo 712.163, 'Having Fun On Public Land Without A Permit', punishable by a $500 fine. I quickly issued a ticket to the perp and ordered him to vacate the premises before he could commit any more crimes."

This incident is part of the Sheriff Department's zero tolerance program designed to combat merrymaking, which could ultimately lead to mirth, tomfoolery, and revelry.

Explained one deputy, "If people start having fun today, then by tomorrow they might start playing loud music. And then what? Hooting and hollering? Water splashing? Beer drinking? We simply can't let this situation get out of control. We have to nip it in the bud."

The Sheriff Department hopes to receive a Federal grant to install "joviality cameras" at swimming areas and boat ramps to deter people from having fun. The cameras will take a snapshot of anybody expressing a smile, grin, or smirk, and then a park ranger or police officer will be notified of the offense. "This is the kind of technology we desperately need to fight the War on Merrymaking."

In other news, seismographs throughout Southeast Missouri detected a 2.6 magnitude tremor centered north of Pisos Point in Wayne County. Experts believe the shaking was caused by a series of meth lab explosions, but the Sheriff Department doesn't plan to pursue an investigation of such a trivial matter at this time.