Drive Your Car To School, Go To Jail

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Friday, May 25, 2001

from the what-about-scissors? dept.

CAPE -- In an effort to enforce the school's zero tolerance policy against dangerous weapons, Cape Central High School today suspended 253 students who drove their cars to school.

"We have a strict policy against any student who brings a weapon that can cause harm, injury, or disruption," explained Assistant Principal Herman Stasi. "An automobile is the most dangerous weapon a person can legally own. It's time we put a stop to this deadly menace."

The school confiscated the automobiles, which will be turned over to the city police for disposal. "I'm glad that we got these dangerous weapons off our streets," boasted one anonymous police officer.

A large group of outraged parents descended on the principal's office to protest the day's events. "Why the heck did you wait until the last day of school to take care of this problem?" yelled one belligerent soccer mom. "Where have you been the last few years during the epidemic of school violence? Somebody could have been killed while you twiddled your thumbs and did nothing!"

The 253 students must complete a seminar and re-education course entitled "Living In A Weapons-Free Society" before they will receive their diplomas. "We simply can't let these juvenile delinquents enter into the workforce until they are trained to despise any object which can cause injury or death," said Mr. Stasi.

Cape Central's new policy comes on the heels of a story out of Florida in which a high school student was suspended for accidentally bringing a steak knife to school in her car.

Explained Mr. Stasi, "We applaud that school's efforts... but they didn't go far enough in preventing crime. Obviously, that student should have been expelled for daring to bring a dangerous automobile to school. Think of all the innocent children she could have run over and killed with her car! Won't somebody please think of the children?"