The Horrible, Terrible Stop Sign Conspiracy!
Fake News written by on Wednesday, May 23, 2001
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- We've received a rumor from an unreliable source that the city council is engaged in a vast conspiracy to increase the amount of money city residents pay for car repair.
"Drivers in Cape wear out their brakes much faster than in other cities because of the high number of four-way stops, impractical speed limits, and poorly designed intersections," explained our unreliable source. "It's all a conspiracy!"
According to our source, a "cartel" of auto repair shops and mechanics have spearheaded a secret public relations campaign to smear the new roundabout while promoting four-way stops as the best thing since sliced bread.
"Obviously, the new roundabout is a threat to their business," our source contends. "Since drivers usually don't have to stop at them, they place far less stress on brakes than a four-way stop or signalized intersection. Meanwhile, they also reduce the rate of accidents, a fact which car repair shops absolutely abhor."
Our unreliable source offered this bit of evidence to back up his outlandish claim: "Look at Monday's city council meeting... a certain councilman recommended the removal of the roundabout and demanded that a four-way stop be placed at Mt. Auburn and Hopper Road. A person with such a blatant disregard for logic and safety must obviously be part of the horrible, terrible conspiracy!"
We contacted city councilman Bud Flooberrow and asked him point-blank whether there was a conspiracy afoot in this fair city. Much to this reporter's surprise, he said yes.
"Yes, that damn roundabout is part of a sinister conspiracy!" he replied. "It's those damn Europeans! See, they'll get their foot in the door by perpetrating these circular monstrosities on the American public. Before long, we'll be driving on the left side of the road and getting tickets for driving 10 km/h over the speed limit!"