Who Needs A Lawn Mower?

Larry Cooner on Wednesday, May 16, 2001

from the not-just-for-milking-anymore dept.

Neckred County may not be the center of technological innovation, but we certainly know how to solve a problem. While those idiots on the Left Coast are wrestling with an energy crisis of their own making, we here in Redton have found the perfect method to save energy.

It's called a cow.

The City of Redton has a policy against letting the grass in your yard grow taller than five feet. Several neighbors started complaining about Bob McGlergle's yard, which contained blades of grass that resembled small trees.

Something had to be done. But the county's only riding lawn mower was destroyed two months ago in a freak accident involving an exploding meth lab.

The folks in Neckred County didn't take this problem lying down, however. One local entrepreneur, Larry Hooperton, saw the perfect opportunity to make some money. Within 24 hours, "Larry's Rent-A-Cow" was open for business.

For a small fee, Larry will loan you the most effective device known to man for cutting grass: a dairy cow. The eco-friendly, no-maintenance device will take care of your weed problems for just pennies an hour.

"This is perfect," an enthusiastic Larry told this writer. "My customers get their lawns manicured, and my Bessie gets an endless supply of grass. At the end of the summer, Bessie will make some fine steaks, that's for sure."

The Neckred County Commission has inked a contract with Larry to lease a cow for the summer to trim the grass around the county courthouse and poor farm. "Now people will be able to reach the courthouse without worrying about stepping on a snake," explained Commissioner Bud Coorsman.