First Graders vs. Elected Officials
Fake News written by on Thursday, April 19, 2001
JEFF CITY -- In a shocking new study, researchers at the prestigious "Studies In About An Hour Labs" have discovered a striking connection between the behavior of first graders and high-ranking state elected officials. Both groups exhibit a strong tendency to fight over trivial matters, call each other names, worry about conspiracies concocted by peers, and engage in a selfish, ego-centric "me-me-me" attitude.
"This is stunning," explained Dr. Zawkowsi. "It's time we start subscribing Ritalin to everyone in the upper echelons of power, especially Bob Holden and Peter Kinder."
The study comes on the heels of a press release war fought between the Governor's office and the Republican Party in which both sides used language reminiscent of playground bullies.
The study draws the following comparisons between first graders and Missouri's leaders:
|First Graders||Elected Officials|
|Worry that their classmates are ganging up on them in a fiendish conspiracy to make them acquire cooties.||Worry that members of the opposing party are ganging up on them in a fiendish conspiracy to make then acquire bad publicity.|
|Call each other names like "poopy-face" or "retards".||Call each other names like "fiscally irresponsible hypocrites".|
|Fight with classmates over stupid stuff, like who gets to be first in the lunch line.||Fight with peers over stupid stuff, like appointments to redistricting committees that will ultimately wield no power because the courts will have to come in and the settle the mess on their own.|
|Blow their lunch money on something like candy and then complain that you don't have money to buy lunch.||Blow taxpayer's money on something like prescription drug tax credits for seniors who didn't even request them, and then complain that you don't have enough money for the important state projects that the tax money was supposed to be used for in the first place.|
|Blame poor grades on the teacher.||Blame the state's poor budget situation on predecessors.|
|Copy other students' homework knowing that you probably won't get caught.||Violate the state's Sunshine Law knowing that you probably won't get caught.|
Dr. Zawkowsi does point out one key difference between the two groups. "First graders grow up. We're not sure about the other group."
Not everybody seems upset by the results of the study. One local resident said, "This is good news! The more time our elected officials spend name-calling, finger-pointing, and posturing, the less time they have to create bad legislation! That sounds like democracy inaction, and I like it."