KFVS Sued For Trademark Infringement
Fake News written by on Thursday, April 5, 2001
In what some industry observers are calling the "Trademark Battle Of The Century(tm)", a total of 57 television stations across the country have filed suit against one another over the term "Heartland".
"This country just ain't big enough for 57 different Heartlands. Only one viewing area can have a claim on that trademark," explained a lawyer involved in the court battle.
From Des Moines, Iowa, to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, to Cape Girardeau, Missouri, almost every metropolitan area in the Midwest has staked a claim on the word "Heartland".
"What else could we possibly call this viewing area?" explained Sue Dohnim, spokesperson for KFVS-12 in Cape. "As if anybody ever uses the term 'River Region' like those clowns over at WSIU. We tossed out other names to focus groups, but they always got negative reviews. Tri-State? Quad-State? Pent-State? Hex-State? Mo-Ark-Tenn-Ill-Ky Region? Cape-Carbondale-Paducah Triangle? The Redneck Region? Capeopolis? The Bootheel Boondocks? The Nation's Armpit? Trust me, we've tried everything and Heartland is the only thing that works."
"Just look at our website," he added. "We use the term Heartland at least 30 times on the front page alone, which just shows how important that trademark is to this station."
Lawyers and general managers at other stations vehemently disagree. "Southeast Missouri isn't even close to the middle of the country," argued Kyle Kyleson of the "Heartland Action Eyewitness Real-time Broadcast News" of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. "The geographic center of the whole US is in South Dakota. The center of North America is in North Dakota. The only center that Missouri can claim is the US population center, and that's shifted west to Phelps County, well out of KFVS's range. So there. KFVS isn't in the 'heart' of the country of all."
The general manager of KRAP-TV Channel 13 in Des Moines, Iowa echoed a similar feeling. "Everybody knows that Iowa represents home-town America. We're the friendliest people in the country, and if you don't relinquish your rights to 'Heartland' we're going to go down there and beat you all up."
With 57 different lawsuits pending, the court battles could take years to resolve. Stay tuned to The Cape Rock as we continue to fabricate late-breaking details in this unfolding story.