Racial Profiling Laws Don't Go Far Enough!

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Sunday, March 11, 2001

from the equal-protection dept.

A new report issued by the US Department of Justice suggests that race isn't the only factor some police use in deciding which cars to pull over. Everything from the make and model of the car, to the political ideology expressed in the bumper stickers, to the presence of fuzzy dice all play a role.

"Well, duh!" exclaimed one retired officer. "A cop isn't going to care about some beat-up 1963 Chevy Gasguzzler with a bondo paint job! After all, if the driver is caught smuggling drugs, and the car is confiscated, it won't be worth anything! No, police departments are much more interested in expensive, late-model cars that will net a large amount of moola on the auction block."

The report also finds that a correlation exists between bumper stickers and traffic tickets. Statistically, vehicles with the following bumper stickers are at least 20 percent more likely to be targeted for a traffic stop:

  • "Timothy McVeigh is my hero"
  • "I support drug legalization"
  • "I dare you to pull me over!"
  • "Visit speedtraps.com!"
  • "Baby on board. Illegal drugs on board, too."
  • "Follow me to Tijuana!"
  • "Warning: I stop for railroad crossings, but not cops."
  • "This car equipped with radar detection"

Several civil-liberties groups expressed outrage over the new report. "We need tougher laws against profiling!" argued Bernard Quattlebaum, the founder of the Association Of Outraged Motorists Against Bumper-Sticker Discrimination.

"Why should I get a larger number of tickets because of my political ideology? Why should I get pulled over more often because I have an inferiority complex that forces me to drive the latest, greatest luxury car? There outta be a law!"