Missouri Promotes "Buy Cigarettes But Don't Inhale" Program

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, March 6, 2001

from the addicted-to-tobacco-money dept.

JEFF CITY -- In an effort to increase the revenue from cigarette taxes while reducing cigarette use, Missouri has unveiled a new "Buy But Don't Smoke" (BBDS) campaign.

"We want the gravy train [the tobacco settlement] to keep rolling in, but we also want to reduce smoking," explained a spokesperson for the Governor. "This is the perfect solution... we can have our pork and eat it, too!"

Under the BBDS program, Missouri will encourage citizens to purchase cartons of cigarettes and then throw them away without smoking them. Thus, the state will receive more sales tax money, and the tobacco industry will make more profit (and thus will have to pay more money to Missouri as part of the tobacco settlement).

Earlier today the Governor's office unveiled "Greenie", a new animated character that will try to convince people to buy cigarettes donate money to the state. The state plans to plaster the dollar-bill-shaped character on TV saying, "Just say no to smoking -- but yes to taxes!"

"This beats trying to balance the budget," explained one state representative. "If we claim that this program is 'for the children', it can't possibly fail."