The Silent Killer: School Cafeteria Mystery Meat

James Baughn on Tuesday, February 6, 2001

from the is-that-thing-loaded? dept.

JONESBORO, ARKANSAS -- Medical experts are applauding an elementary school for taking the first steps in combatting the growing problem of dangerous chicken fingers. Last week, the school suspended a student for pointing a piece of "mystery meat" at a teacher.

"Chicken fingers are hazardous. They can explode at any time," said one expert. "While they're haven't been any documented cases of imitation meat pieces either exploding or firing a projectile, it's certainly possible. We need to nip this problem in the bud."

The school principal justified the student's suspension by arguing that the piece of meat was a dangerous, illegal weapon. "Have you ever tasted one of these things? I don't know what's in them, but it certainly ain't chicken. For all we know, these things might contain an explosive material. When a student points a loaded piece of mystery meat at a teacher... well, we simply can't let the situation escalate."

He added, "We did what we had to do. The likelihood that the student will now fail his classes, suffer grave emotional distress, and grow up to be a high-school drop-out trapped in a life of crime and drugs is a very small price to pay to prevent a chicken-finger related disaster."