Washington Hit With Severe Paper Shredder Shortage

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Friday, December 1, 2000

from the beezlebubba dept.

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CORRUPTION -- Janet Reno's Department of Justice purchased $200,000 worth of paper shredders during the past week, putting a severe strain on the paper shredder industry. With a Bush Presidency looming, Reno's staff has been shredding an average of 3,000 documents every hour at a break-neck pace that would make the Palm Beach recount look like slow motion.

"We just can't handle the load," said Ernest Frinkledorf, the CEO of Secrets-B-Gone, the nation's largest manufacturer of professional-grade shredders. "The Clinton-Gore-Hillary Administration has an unprecedented number of sensitive documents that need to be destroyed."

New shredders have been airlifted into Washington, D.C., but many experts don't expect the mountains of documents to be completely shredded before Inauguration Day. "We're running out of time... our only hope is a Gore victory," said an anonymous bureaucrat responsible for destroying the expense accounts which detail how much the Clinton White House spent on knee-pads and Cuban cigars.

Computer experts have also been called in to help delete incriminating evidence stored electronically. Several thousand high-powered magnets have been procured to permanently erase data stored on floppy disks. Meanwhile, programmers hired by the DOJ have created a virus that propagates throughout government networks and deletes any document containing keywords such as "Whitewater", "nuclear secrets", "Lewinksi", or "Clinton scandal".

The stocks of several paper-shredder companies and tech consulting firms rose sharply in afternoon trading on Wall Street.