Democrats Disqualify All But One Vote In Florida

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, November 29, 2000

from the rotten-to-the-gore dept.

TALLAHASSEE, FL -- Al Gore declared victory earlier today when the Florida Supreme Court tossed out every single Florida vote (except for one) because of various technicalities and irregularities. The only remaining vote, one cast for Gore by the second cousin of the wife of a Gore campaign manager, will decide the election.

"We've counted every vote and I won! Democracy has triumphed," the exuberant Gore said in a press conference.

Hordes of angry Republicans cried foul, but the TV networks refused to pre-empt their infomercials to air any Bush or Cheney speeches. That didn't stop them from setting aside 30 minutes, however, to deliver Gore's "victory speech".

In a unanimous ruling, the Supreme Court cited nearly 1,440 reasons to disqualify over 6,000,000 votes.

According to the ruling: "Some people mispelled their names on their voter registration forms. That's illegal. Some people forgot to cross their T's and dot their I's when they signed their name at the polling place. Some voters failed to write a voter ID number on their absentee ballot request form. Some absentee voters wrote the date on their ballot as "11/07/00" which is legally interpreted as November 7, 1900. It's illegal to fill out a ballot before Election Day. Some voters marked their ballots with a check mark instead of an 'X'..."

It continues: "Some people sold their votes on eBay. Some people took an out-of-state vacation within 30 days of the election, which voids their residency. Some ballots smelled of alcohol, which means the voter was drunk at the time, and ineligible to cast a vote. Some voters were convicted of such crimes as jaywalking, pulling tags from mattresses, and using expletives. Some voters made a small mistake on last year's IRS return, which invalidates their voter registration. Some voters accidentally got their voter registration cards wet, which voids them..."

And there's more: "Some voters didn't mark votes in every race, which means they weren't serious about voting and shouldn't be counted. Some voters displayed illegal campaign signs in the yards that didn't disclose who paid for them. Some people who received free pencils or T-shirts from candidates were effectively bribed and therefore forfeited their right to vote. Some voters failed to vote in the last election and should therefore have been dropped from the rolls. Some people don't have valid car insurance and therefore drove to the polls illegally. Some immigrants only lip-synched the Pledge of Allegiance during their citizenship ceremony, and are therefore not really US citizens..."

The list goes on and on.

While he only won by exactly one vote, Al Gore seemed extremely upbeat about his victory. "The will of the people has spoken. I'm now President-Elect."

Well, maybe. The Florida Legislature already has plans to ignore everything that happened today and appoint a slate of 25 Republican electors.

But that isn't certain either. The Florida Supreme Court is expected to hear a case tommorrow arguing that all Florida votes cast in all previous elections were also invalid, so that all Florida legislators received zero votes and therefore were not actually elected. Thus, if the activist court rules in Gore's favor (as if there's any doubt), then any bill that the Legislature passes and Governor Jeb Bush signs is null and void (after all, Jeb didn't win his election, either).

Of course, that would mean that Secretary of State Katherine Harris wasn't elected, either, which means she can't certify the one winning Gore vote.

So maybe Gore's victory speech was a little premature.

Said Armonk Terwilliger, a political science professor at an unusually conservative college, "Before the election I hoped there could be some way in which both Bush and Gore would lose. This might be the next best thing."

"I mean," he continued, "we really don't need a President. Just look at Bill Clinton. The intern-bonking, cigar-holding, oath-breaking, Chinese-loving, FBI-file-peeking, insider-trading Clinton hasn't done squat for this country. And yet the economy is still rolling along and we haven't been nuked yet. We could really save a lot of money by eliminating the White House. Gore and Bush should concede."