Headlines From Across Florida

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Sunday, November 26, 2000

from the can-you-say-"sore-loserman"? dept.

All eyes are on Florida as the Election From Hell(tm) continues to unfold. Nobody is watching football, everyone is glued to their cable TV watching every millisecond of the live video from the Palm Beach recount. Instead of yelling out "Touchdown!" or "Fumble!", recount fanatics are yelling out "Bush vote!" or "Rejected Gore vote!" Who needs professional sports when you have Presidential elections?

As a public service, The Cape Rock presents an assortment of headlines gathered from various Florida newspapers on this historic event:

From the "Dade County Daily Democrat":
Al Gore sells soul for 500 more Broward votes

  • Pact with devil made last night; experts says additional votes not enough to beat Bush. Gore might sell wife Tipper's soul in exchange for crucial Palm Beach votes.

  • Gore has already sold his integrity, honor, compassion, and common-sense to help pay for legal fees. "My soul is the last thing I have to sell," Gore says at press conference.

From the "Fort Lauderdale Biased-Journal":
Pregnant chad gives birth to two Gore votes in Broward County

  • "If that voter intended to cast two votes for Gore, then so be it," says Democratic observer.

From the "Tallahassee Standard-Liberal-Democrat"
Florida Supreme Court crowns Gore as "King" of US

  • Liberal court decrees that Al Gore shall become "his royal majesty, King of America" in court decision yesterday morning.

  • "Since Gore has been unsuccessful in stealing this election, our only hope is to steal the whole Presidency," says court justice.

From the "Miami Yellow-Journalist"
Florida changes name to "FloriDUH"

  • Emergency session of Legislature approves name change after brief argument with some Senators who proposed "Flori-DUMB" as an alternate name.

  • New motto to be "The Sunshine Wait"

From the "Jacksonville Republican-Roundup"
Belize tops list of countries to flee to if Gore steals election

  • A survey by "Surveys 'R Us" found that Belize still remains the number one country that Republicans will emigrate to if Gore wins the election.

  • "Belize has a warm climate, they speak English, and none of Gore's relatives live there. That sounds like paradise," says anonymous Bush campaign manager.

From the "Pensacola Ethical-Republican"
Thousands of people named "Chad" legally change their name

  • Courtrooms nationwide are packed with Chads demanding to change their name to something less funny.

  • "I'm getting sick of all of the Chad jokes," says former Chad. "If one more person asks, 'Are you pregnant, Chad?' or 'How many dimples ya got, Chad?', I'm going to kill them on the spot."

  • African nation of Chad also considering new name.

From the "Orlando Floridian-Picayune":
Doctors: Chads could cause cancer

  • Poll workers who reportedly "ate" pieces of chad may suffer health consequences; doctors says toxic chemicals are used to produce the paper for chads.

  • However, some doctors disagree: "Chads may not contain any calories, but they do contain lots of healthy fiber".

From the "Homestead Democrat-Injustice"
Governor declares Florida a "disaster area"

  • Jeb Bush signs an order declaring South Florida a "state disaster area" eligible for state disaster relief funds.

  • "Any place that has as many lawyers as Florida does is clearly a natural disaster area," Jeb says in press release. "Hurricane Andrew wasn't nearly as chaotic as this election debacle."

From the "Palm Beach Brow-Beater"
Election workers say the darndest things

  • "Dimples should only count on babies"
       -- Republican observer in Palm Beach

  • "What do you mean you only got 578 Gore votes? You were supposed to manufacture at least 650!"
       -- Anomymous Democrat overheard in Broward County

  • "Thank goodness for the election fiasco in Florida... because of that, nobody really noticed that Missouri just elected a dead man to Congress. It's a good thing Florida is the laughing stock of the nation and not Missouri,"
       -- Election judge from St. Louis, Missouri

  • "Every vote should be counted, re-counted, and re-re-counted equally... but some votes are more equal than others"
       -- Democratic lawyer