Florida Recount: The Board Game
Feature written by on Wednesday, November 22, 2000
We here at The Cape Rock, always looking for a quick way to make a buck, would like to introduce our latest creation: The Florida Recount Board GameTM. This game should be available at finer retail outlets nationwide around the same time the outcome of the election is finally determined, which we project will be sometime around 2002 (or maybe 2004).
The objective of the Recount Game is simple. You (George Dubya Bush) want to get more votes than your evil opponent (Albert Gore), and retain your lead through all of the re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-counts and court decisions that will come.
The game consists of Palm Beach ballots that the players will fight over during the recounts:
(Note: The current prototype of the game, shown above, uses printed cards for the ballots. The real version will contain actual Palm Beach ballots that we plan to obtain from shady eBay auctions).
Also included are a stack of cards marked "Republican" and "Democrat". These are picked at random to determine which party elected officials, canvassing board members, and court judges belong to.
For instance, if a player wanted to appeal to the Florida Supreme Court to block more re-counts, they would draw cards from the stack. If six Democrats and one Republican came up...
...then the court would rule in Gore's favor everytime. Forget about "the will of the people", court judges and officials will always side with their party no matter what. It's the American way.
Much like other board games, Florida RecountTM includes a stack of "Chance" cards that affect how the ballots are counted:
The game is played as follows: 500 ballots are picked at random and counted. The loser will yell "I demand a recount!" and the process will contine, with recount after recount after recount, until one of the players gets sick of the whole thing and concedes. During the game, players may file lawsuits and draw "Chance" cards to improve their odds and prevent the opponent from stealing the election.
Florida RecountTM should provide fun for the whole family. The game can either be played by two people (Bush and Gore), or by six people (Bush, Baker, Gore, Warren, and two partisan election workers who manipulate ballots while the other players aren't looking).
Just look at these glowing testimonials by people who play-tested the prototype version:
"This is great! Now I'll have something fun to do when I lose my job after Gore eventually steals the election and the economy goes south."
-- Joe Sixpack
"I used to waste hours and hours a day playing Solitaire on the computer. Just when I finally kicked that habit, here comes Florida RecountTM and suddenly I'm addicted to it. D'oh!"
-- J. Random Loser
"The best part of this game is that Bush actually has a chance of winning it, unlike the real Florida Recount in which everything is stacked in favor of Gore."
-- Larry Cooner, Neckred County Dog Catcher
Florida RecountTM -- The best $29.95 you'll ever spend.