Dexter man awakens from 1999 "turkey coma", just in time to eat again
Fake News written by on Tuesday, November 21, 2000
"Is it time for dessert?" asks victim.
DEXTER, MO -- Clyde Pounds of Dexter miraculously awoke Monday evening after sleeping for almost a year. Pounds, 44, has apparently been sleeping since Thanksgiving Day of 1999 after slipping into what scientists say is a "turkey coma".
"He passed out last year after a third helping of turkey and dressing, just about halftime during the Detroit Lions game," said his wife Shirley. "We really didn't think he would sleep past the third quarter of the Cowboys game. He's one of the biggest bandwagon Cowboys fans I know."
"But sure enough, he did. That lazy S.O.B. done slept for a whole year."
His first comment upon awakening: "Is it time for dessert?"
He then proceeded to catch up on a year's worth of events, baffled that the world hadn't ended thanks to Y2K, the Rams had actually won the Super Bowl, and Richard Petty hadn't won the presidential election.
The twelve month nap is the longest ever on record that can be verified as a direct result of a turkey coma.
Long considered to be a legend, turkey comas are now widely accepted to be real. It is thought that turkey meat contains a natural depressant, but scientific studies are still trying to explain why.
Several hospitals in poorer sections of the bootheel have started using turkey to anesthetize their patients during major surgeries. Hayti Heights Memorial Hospital, for example, has adopted turkey as it's preferred method of sedation. They had previously used Schlitz Malt Liquor to "knock out" patients.
"A few servings and they're out cold," said Dr. Jacquez Daniels. "They even sleep through a vasectomy, which I think speaks volumes about just how effective it is."
Some communities have become alarmed over the growing use of turkey as a recreational drug.
"My kid got hooked on turkey, and it was all over from there," cries Martina Adams, parent of a turkey-addled teenager now in rehab in Dexter. "It started with a sandwich, and before long it was a whole drumstick. Where does it end?"
"Turkey is taking over my neighborhood. Things were so much more quiet when it was just meth," agreed Shonda Raines of Morehouse.
The Missouri Libertarian Party issued a short statement supporting a person's right to eat turkey, as well as smoke crack, snort cocaine, sniff glue, and light farts. "If turkey is outlawed, only outlaws will have turkey," said the state chairman. "People should be free to eat turkey in the privacy of their own homes, as long as they're not harming others. And they have to share, of course."
Ms. Pounds had no comment on whether dessert was ready.