Country Line Dancing Decreases I.Q.
Fake News written by on Tuesday, November 14, 2000
EAST PRAIRIE, MO -- A new study released today by a professor at Mississippi County Community College proves a long-standing theory. It revealed that an entire generation of East Prairie residents are in danger of losing an average of 13 points off their I.Q.
The unlikely culprit?
Country line dancing.
"I always thought it was amazing enough that these people couldn't read, write, or vote for living Senate candidates. But then, they could memorize thirty-five complicated steps in a line dance without any problems?" asks Dr. Harlan Enderle, who teaches biology at the college. "How weird is that?"
"Now, I think I've got it all figured out. The more line dancing people do, the more brain cells they lose."
Dr. Enderle gained some degree of local notoriety at Mississippi County Community College in the mid 1990's with his unsuccessful attempts to create a genetically altered beer that didn't cause hangovers. Thirty of the test subjects, most from the tiny village of Dorena, sued the college when they all needed liver transplants. Many of those cases are still pending.
He insists that his new thesis is correct.
The new study was published in The Southern Journal of Obscure But Surprisingly Well-Funded Research, and spells out this controversial theory. In it, Dr. Enderle contends that participation in mindless, repetitive dance routines in large groups produces a hypnotic state that can stimulate a hidden part of the brain. This, in turn, brings on an early form of Alzheimer's Disease.
"The group I studied was small," he admitted. "It was only twelve folks from East Prairie. But the results were decisive: these people were of average intelligence before they started line dancing. After only a week of line dancing just two hours every night, they were so incredibly stupid that they were unable to even tie their own shoes."
"Even worse," he added, "these people felt odd compulsions to vote straight ticket Democrat. Many even began to drive farm tractors fifteen miles per hour on state highways. That's pretty damning, wouldn't you say?"
Local officials in East Prairie immediately issued health warnings to all residents in an attempt to halt further line dancing and potential infectious idiocy.
The Food and Drug Administration has, so far, refused to comment on the potential problem of widespread line dancing in Mississippi County.
This is in spite of eerily similar reports from public health officials in Palm Beach County, Florida. They are said to be looking into a widespread rash of line dancing that may have produced rampant stupidity during the November 7th presidential voting.