Three Trillion Deer "Almost Killed" Last Weekend

Fake News written by David Lee Deville on Monday, November 13, 2000

from the but-only-three-were-actually-shot dept.

NEW HAMBURG, MO -- Local hunters reported "almost killing" over three trillion deer in Scott County over the past weekend, as hunting season reached its full frenzy.

State conservation officials are baffled by these reports. They estimate that the whitetail deer population in Missouri is substantially less than three trillion. How this many deer could possibly be spotted in Scott County alone is a source of some local controversy.

"If everyone almost killed all the big bucks they say they have, all these hunters must be almost killing the same deer over and over," said Milo Allen, spokesman for the Missouri Department of Conservation. "What are the odds?"

"My years of experience indicate that hunters usually only go out in the woods to get away from their old ladies and drink beer. It's also an excellent reason to skip school. But many never even see a deer. I think that maybe there's some fibbing go on here," Allen added.

"What a crock," says local hunting aficionado Slug Arnzen, interviewed from his tree stand somewhere in the hills between New Hamburg and Chaffee. "I've personally almost killed ten thousand big bucks just since last Friday! I'm not just talking about wussy ten point bucks, either. I'm talking about forty-two point bucks, big ones, almost like caribou and elk."

"Do you think I would dress up in all this camo and sprinkle deer piss all over myself if I wasn't even seeing any deer? For Christ's sake, man. That's almost as preposterous as suggesting I buy my food, as opposed to killing it. What's the world coming to?"

Arnzen insists that he had clear shots at all ten thousand monster bucks, only to have them escape at the last moment. This odd phenomenon has repeated itself with deer hunters across the state.

Hilda Arnzen, his wife, has a different opinion. "Slug is a lying piece of garbage. The only deer he's seen since hunting season started is maybe a few dozen cans of Stag."