The Deer Know Something

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Saturday, November 11, 2000

from the the-deer-are-out-there dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Today is the opening day of deer season in Missouri, which can only mean one thing: all of the deer have vanished and won't be seen until exactly one day after the season ends. Hunters have long suspected that deer are a lot smarter than we think, and the evidence seems to point in that direction.

"I don't know how they know, but they know something," explained Elmer Gump, an agent with the Missouri Department of Conservation. "Just last week our department fielded a flurry of calls from motorists who saw huge herds of deer along the roads around dusk and dawn. But, of course, once November 11th rolls in, those deer have vanished."

He added, "So far today only three people have successfully shot a deer. We suspect those deer were either really, really stupid -- on the order of a Palm Beach voter -- or they were employed as decoys to keep the hunters at bay while the other deer found hiding places in remote areas of the country."

Conspiracy theorists have been theorizing conspiracies relating to the strange deer behavior. Said a charter member of the Cape Conspiracy Club, "It's obvious this is a cover-up concocted by those evil eco-freakish 'Bambi People'. Somehow they round up all the deer before the season opens to prevent any deer from being harvested."

Another theorist added, "It's even more sinister than that! Deer are intelligent creatures and the US government doesn't want us to know! Space aliens have been genetically altering deer and other wildlife to make them intelligent as part of their grand scheme to conquer the globe! Or something like that."