Dateline 2002: The Dead Are Voting Democrat!
Fake News From The Future posted by on Wednesday, November 8, 2000
[Editor's Note: This article will appear on page 1A in the April 23, 2002 issue of the Southeast-Missourian-Standard-Democrat- Argus-American-Republic-Monitor -Statesman-Banner-Press-Journal]
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In what could be the most historic court case in the history of this country, the US Supreme Court ruled today that dead people must be considered "citizens" and "residents" of the state in which they are buried, entitling them the right to vote and run for office.
"The dead have rights, too," wrote one court justice in the stunning 6-3 decision. "They shouldn't be discriminated against merely because they are breathing-impaired."
The case comes in response to the posthumous election of Missourian Mel Carnahan to the US Senate during that tumultuous Year 2000 Election From Hell in which almost every race had a bizarre outcome.
After that election, the Republican Party filed a lawsuit arguing that the election was null and void because a dead person didn't meet the qualifications for US Senate under both the US and Missouri Constitutions.
The US Supreme Court disagreed.
Democrats across the country are ecstatic over the judgement. "It's good to see the court didn't allow some 200 year old piece of paper to stand in the way of what has to be done to move this country forward under the Democratic Party," boasted one Hollywood movie star.
Meanwhile, Democrats in Chicago, Southern Illinois, Southeast Missouri, and Southern Florida -- those areas of the country where the dead have always voted early and voted often -- are even more ecstatic. "I feel so vindicated," said one anonymous elected official. "I've always looked the other way when ballots filed by the dead have been cast. But now it's 100% legal! The Republicans will never win another race ever again..."
Many political scientists question how the ruling, dubbed the "Civil Rights For Corpses Decree", will actually work. "How are the dead actually going to cast their votes?" asked Dr. Bob Roberts of the University Of Podunk, Iowa. He added, "I never thought this nation would devolve to the point where we'd have to ask that question."
An organization of psychics has already stepped forward to offer assistance in collecting votes from Breathing-Impaired-Americans. "We'll set up a large polling place filled with Ouija boards to contact the deceased and record their votes."
Pundits -- still reeling from those awful, terrible mistakes they made in projecting the 2000 Election -- are unsure how the new ruling will affect America's political landscape.
"Well, this is obviously going to help the Democrats, who've always relied on the votes of dead people," said omnipresent pundit George Stephanopopopolis. "Beyond that we're stumped. We can't even imagine what issues will come into play -- will dead people support Funeral Home Reform? Headstone Subsidies? We just don't know."
And will the deceased try to form their own political party and field their own candidates? "Well," responded a stymied Stephanopopopopolis, "Maybe. I can just see the 'Deceasedocrats' taking power with their candidate, George Washington -- who, by the way, wouldn't be subject to term limits under the Twenty-Second Amendment because he'd be grandfathered in. Man, I'm really getting a splitting headache..."