Drunk drivers endorse Bush

Fake News written by David Lee Deville on Sunday, November 5, 2000

from the maybe-he-chugged-but-didn't-swallow dept.

"We're not 'swing' voters. We're 'party' voters," says head of D.A.D.D.

MINER, MO -- The Sikeston-Miner chapter of D.A.D.D. (Dads Advocating Drunk Driving) issued a ringing endorsement of George W. Bush for President on Friday.

"Finally, one of our own in the White House," said Gordon Blackwell, president of the local D.A.D.D. chapter. "It's about damn time."

"It's been said over and over again that swing voters in Missouri could hold the key to the election. Well, we're not 'swing voters'. We're 'party' voters. And it's obvious that the candidate of the habitual partygoer is Dubya."

Blackwell was referring to last week's surprise revelation that Bush had been arrested on a DUI charge in Maine in 1976.

"No, a DUI twenty-four years ago isn't relevant," said the chairperson of the Scott County chapter of M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). "But why in the world didn't Bush disclose this six months ago? Why run the risk of having someone spill the beans, barley or hops only days before the election? That, to me, is the real troublesome thing about it. After putting all his V.P. candidates through a draconian investigation process, you would think that the Republican nominee would have been a little more careful with his own somewhat shady past."

Oddly, Bush's poll numbers in Missouri have increased since the attempted smear by Democratic partisans.

Since fully 92% of Missouri's male drivers have at least one drinking violation on their driving record, the "scandal" has backfired. The campaign of Al Gore now is conceding defeat in the home state of Anheuser-Busch.

"Screw Missouri," said Gore's campaign manager. "What a bunch of assholes. Apparently, to lead the polls there, you need to either have a past drinking problem or be dead. While Al Gore is desperate to win, but he's not that desperate."

"Getting arrested for a D.W.I. is actually a positive thing in Missouri," touts Blackwell. "In fact, it's a rite of passage for all our young men. Getting your driver's license, killing your first deer, having an awkward sexual experience with a cute cousin that both of you will later deny, and getting your first D.W.I. are all essential parts of growing up a Missourian. "

"And, wouldn't it be cool to get all liquored up and barrel-roll an armored Secret Service limousine?" Blackwell added giddily. "I've always wanted to do that. Maybe George W. will get the chance."