Voters Threaten To Go On Strike!

Martha Throebeck on Saturday, November 4, 2000

from the cast-your-vote-for-"none-of-the-above" dept.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Shouting "Hell no we won't vote!" and "We're not going to get Gored or am-Bushed!", thousands of disgruntled voters have begun to picket outside of polling places nationwide. Pollsters and pundits expect that 3.2 million (+/- 15% margin of error) more voters may join in by Election Day.

The founder of the recently launched "Campaign To Put Some Real Candidates On The Ballot", Fred Renback, explained, "How the hell did the Presidential election get filled with so many jokers and pathetic losers this year? We're not going to take anymore of this crap. We're going on strike."

The campaign's message has started to resonate with quite a few voters. "What a brilliant idea! If everybody refused to vote, then neither Gore or Bush would win! That's the best thing that could ever happen to this country," said Delbert Schulte, a pig farmer from Mississippi.

"I can't stand either candidate," howled Edna Johnstone of Watuswe, Iowa. "We've got Bush, who probably used cocaine in his younger days, competing against Gore, who probably used marijuana in his younger days. We've got Gore, a supporter of prescription drug programs for seniors, competing against Bush, a supporter of prescription drug program for seniors. We've got Gore, an intellectual out of touch with the real world, competing against Bush, an idiot out of touch with the real world."

"What a choice!" she concluded. "I always try to vote for the lesser evil, but what if both candidates are equally evil? I'm rooting for both candidates to lose."

Even college professors are joining in on the anti-candidate movement. Hubert McAree, political science professor at Calvin Coolidge Community College, told his class last week, "I've always poked fun at those apathetic losers who refuse to cast a vote on election day. Now I understand where they're coming from. I plan to join them..."

Nevertheless, many people are not going to let the lack of quality candidates prevent them from casting their vote.

Germaine Burgess, a staunch Democrat, said, "Okay, I admit a yellog dog would probably make a better leader than either Bush or Gore. But just look at Clinton. We've had a lying, cheating, intern-bonking, dishonorable scoundrel in the Oval Office the past eight years, and yet the economy is booming! It doesn't matter who the Commander-in-Chief is -- as long as Alan Greenspan is the Economist-in-Chief!"

"So," she continued, "I see nothing wrong with going to the voting booth this Tuesday and exercising my Constitutional right to cast a vote for evil. It's the American way!"