Secretary Of State Unveils "Perennial Candidate Discount Program"

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Saturday, November 4, 2000

from the show-me-the-money dept.

JEFFERSON CITY -- In an effort to streamline the election process, Secretary Of State Bekki Cook announced yesterday a discount on filing fees for candidates who preregister for more than five upcoming elections.

Explained Cook, "Almost half of the names on the ballot are token perennial candidates that nobody has ever heard of. With the new 'Perennial Candidate Discount Program' (PCDP), these losers can save money and paperwork."

Starting next election, any token candidate who preregisters and prepays for more than five elections will receive a 30% discount, along with 500 "Show-Me Points" redeemable for a free lifetime fishing license or special savings on other state or county license fees.

Critics of the plan claim it will boost the number of losers and crackpots who try to run for public office. Bekki Cook responds to such criticism by arguing, "So what? We already have a horde of losers and crackpots who visit this office every election season to register. Now they won't have to show up, which will ease the strain on this office and save taxpayer's money."

Bekki Cook did admit that the PCDP does have one shortcoming: what happens if a perennial candidate actually wins? However, the odds of such an occurence are, according to her, "one in a million". "I don't think we need to worry about this," she said.