Enough New York, Already!

Editorial written by Christopher Morrill on Thursday, October 19, 2000

from the well-at-least-the-rams-are-winning dept.

I wish both teams could somehow lose.

Imagine, for a minute, that you're an alien life form. Imagine that you've spent the last thirty years watching stray TV signals from Earth. What would you think?

You would believe that there are two cities on Earth: New York and Los Angeles. The rest doesn't matter.

Almost every sitcom... almost every drama... most of the news shows, even... are based in New York. A few in L.A., but not many. The same holds true for movies. The setting is never Cleveland, Ohio or Albuquerque, New Mexico. It's New York, L.A, and maybe Chicago thrown in now and then just to mix things up.

You would almost get the idea that the rest of North America is barren. Irrelevant. Not to mention, painfully uncool and not very photogenic.

The same holds true for books, too, by the way. How many times have you read the back of a book and saw:

"He was a tough, New York cop who didn't play by the rules..."

"She fell in love with the handsome stranger under the swaying palm trees and the influence of the glamour of Hollywood..."

I think it would be cool to see one that said:

"Elroy looked out at the vast, infinite, ugly-ass flat land of the Missouri bootheel from atop Twappity Hill. On a clear day, he swore he could almost see all the way to Memphis. Today, however, he knew he was in trouble. Down there in the never-ending barren plain, there would be nowhere to hide. He could hear the Sheriff's dogs barking a few hundred yards behind him. His heart craved meth and his cirrhosis-rotted liver ached for Stag beer. Elroy knew his life would never be the same. Especially if he could not escape jail just one more time because of an irrational, animal desire to pitch horseshoes."

That's the world I know.

I make fun of southeast Missouri a lot. But despite my seemingly endless contempt for the region, it's all just for fun. I actually like it here. I chose to live here, after living in St. Louis. So you know it's all in jest.

It's tough love, I guess. Or maybe just a thirst for endless writing material.

But we're pretty much irrelevant to the rest of the world. Some other places, like New York, are the exact opposite: a little too important. Ask them. I'm sure they'll tell you how important they are.

Take, for example, the World Series this year. It will pit the New York Yankees versus the New York Mets. It's an all-Big Apple affair. That's enough to almost bring on nausea.

Like New York doesn't get enough attention already. For those of us already suffering from an O.D. of N.Y., this is the final insult.

It's almost enough to inspire me. I have an idea for a new sitcom. It'll be about some hip, witty, neurotic, good-looking single people with great sex lives and seemingly endless spending money and spare time. They live in New York, which everyone knows must be the greatest place on the planet. Despite all this free time and money, they don't seem to have jobs.

Oh, wait. That's already been done. About three hundred times.

I would have normally been happy to see the Yankees lose a World Series. However, if the alternative is the Mets, that presents a quandary. I will be forced into the odd situation of rooting against both teams.

Or better yet, not watching. Many viewers in the country may follow suit.

I just wish there was a way that both New York teams can lose.