One Candidate Actually Opposes Prescription Drug Programs
Fake News written by on Sunday, September 17, 2000
"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."
-- P. J. O'Rourke
MARBLE HILL -- Orville Troutman, candidate for Northern District Commissioner of Bollinger County, has become the first -- and only -- election candidate to come out opposed to prescription drug discounts for the elderly. This shocking revelation has angered seniors and could ultimately threaten his election chances.
"Every single candidate -- Republican, Democrat, Republicrat, Socialist -- they've all pimped for the senior vote by promising to spend tax money to lower prescription drug prices and bolster Medicare," explained Dr. Sherman Fosill, political science professor at SEMO. "Which just means that this Orville turkey doesn't stand a chance."
In rebuttal, Troutman said, "What difference does it make? It's not like a county commissioner has any control over health care or Social Security. Besides, if prescription drugs are so expensive, why don't we make them affordable for everybody instead of just seniors who happen to wield too much election clout?"
Troutman has also taken opposition to other issues that 99.9% of other candidates say they support, including "less government", "lower taxes", "accountability for MoDOT", "local control of schools", and "strict anti-meth programs".
"It's all bullshit," Troutman bellowed. "Every candidate supports these issues, but they didn't do anything about them last session when they had the chance!"
Nevertheless, the opposition has attacked him as an "anti-senior", "anti-education", "anti-highway", "pro-tax", "pro-big-government", "pro-drug", "pro-crime", "anti-people" candidate. There's just one small problem: Troutman's opponent is a convicted felon.
"So what if he's evil? At least he supports Medicare!" said one octogenarian who is in charge of the "Defeat Orville Campaign". "I live on a fixed income... I need everything I can get after I lost my retirement savings in a Las Vegas gambling junket last year."
Pundits and observers expect Orville to lose unless there's a radical shift in his campaign. "[Opponent] Shane McDaniels might be guilty of kidnapping, attempted murder and jury tampering, but it looks like he's going to win," one said.