2004 Olympics Awarded to Kelso

Fake News written by David Lee Deville on Monday, September 11, 2000

from the but-it-won't-come-cheap dept.

"Obviously, someone has been drinking too much Stag," says mayor. "But we're not complaining."

KELSO, MO -- The International Olympic Committee today stunned the world by awarding the 2004 Olympic Games to the tiny village of Kelso, Missouri. The town is located just southwest of Scott City.

"Obviously, someone has been drinking too much Stag," said Kelso mayor Wilbur Burger in a Cape Rock exclusive interview. "But we're not complaining. This is going to be a fine day for Kelso to show it's culture and it's abundance of cow patties to the world."

The 2004 games had originally been rewarded to Athens, Greece. That decision was overturned, and the games rewarded instead to Kelso, after an intense lobbying effort by Earl Stanky. Mr. Stanky is the owner of Kelso's only tavern and the sole member of Kelso Chamber of Commerce.

"Me and the boys got all liquored up one night," said Stanky. "We decided as a joke to write the Olympic Committee a letter, telling them how Kelso would build a 200,000 seat stadium, a 20,000 seat indoor arena, an international airport, and 50,000 hotel rooms for the Olympics if they'd come here."

"We didn't think they'd actually do it," Stanky confided. "All we really have here are a few weedy ballfields and horseshoe pits. Any tourists will have to either stay in Cape, sleep in their cars, or camp out. We're still working on that part."

"All female visitors can feel free to stay at my place," Stanky added with a wink.

Kelso's village council immediately announced a 100% income tax on every citizen, designed to help finance the stadium, parking lots, airport, and hotel rooms. The 100% tax will be retroactive for any citizen of Kelso, living or dead, going back two-hundred years. It will also be proactive, extending towards all citizens yet to be born for the next two-hundred years.

"Some times you just have to bend over and take it in the butt, in the spirit of international brotherhood," shrugged Stanky. "At least it's not going towards something wasteful, like school or highway construction."

The event is projected to pour over 1.2 billion dollars into the Kelso economy, which would be 1.19 billion dollars more than the total amount invested in the town since 1903. Such an economic boom has some economists worried about rampant inflation plaguing the north Scott County community of 519 people.

Real estate has already increased two-hundred fold in the city limits, and the price of a Stag draft at the saloon has skyrocketed to $1.50. "The best is yet to come," said Mayor Burger. "Wait until all the hookers come to town to keep the thousands of horny male athletes company. We can't wait!"

There has been some local discontent over the fact that "target practice on stop signs," "fishing with dynamite", and "half-drunk muddin' in an ATV" have not been added as Olympic sports. The International Olympic Committee insists that they are looking into the matter.