The Talking Wall Ornament Epidemic Continues

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, September 7, 2000

from the why-won't-this-insanity-end? dept.

DEXTER -- Billy Bigmouth Bass is only the beginning. Tackiness will take on a whole new dimension next month when "Surf 'N Turf Productions" opens a new factory in Dexter. Talking wall ornaments, ranging from Buster Bigrack Buck to Bud Belching Bullfrog, will roll off the assembly line by the millions.

"The only wall ornament we won't be producing is Willie Whiny Whale," said Herman L. Schanze, manager for Surf 'N Turf. "Everything else is fair game. Well, except for large animals such as Ernie Earful Elephant and Gerald Gawking Giraffe, which will only be available by special order."

Mr. Schanze showed us the 420-page Surf 'N Turf catalog, which features just about every animal known to mankind. Their slogan? "If God created it, we've got a wall ornament version(tm)"

The Dexter factory will primarily produce wall ornaments in the "Piscatorial Politician" line. This product line of talking fish includes:

  • Clinton Carp, singing the "Oscar Meyer Weiner Song"

  • Monica Motormouth Minnow, singing "Lollipop, Lollipop" along with other X-rated songs

  • Gore Guppy singing "I'll Be Everything You Want Me To Be"

"These are definitely our hottest products right now," said Herman. "Although our new Dubya Disgruntled Donkey model, which says nothing but 'major-league asshole', is already selling well."

The new factory will employ about 250 employees. While the new jobs are welcome to the community, many Dexterites are concerned about becoming the national center of tackiness.

"The Macarena craze didn't last long... Survivor didn't last long... but the talking wall ornaments won't go away. Argh!" said one local resident who was hospitalized last week when he broke his fist while punching a Billy Bigmouth Bass that sang "Don't Worry, Be Happy" for the billionth -- and final -- time.

"This is one product that needs to be made in Mexico or Taiwan -- or not at all," ranted a local Chamber of Commerce member. "To think that Dexter could become the birthplace of millions of 'Danny Dancing Dolphins' and 'Arnie Annoying Armadillos' -- now that's just scary."