Jackson School Board Reinstates Capital Punishment

Fake News written by David Lee Deville on Wednesday, September 6, 2000

from the a-lethal-injection-of-mystery-meat dept.

"Overcrowding shouldn't be a big problem now," superintendent quips.

JACKSON, MO -- The Jackson School Board voted to reinstate capital punishment at it's last monthly meeting. The move is seen as a reaction to the continuing overcrowding problem.

"The voters of Jackson voted down the bond issue that would have allowed us to alleviate the overcrowding. Let's not forget that. The blame lies with them. We saw no other choice," said Superintendent Ed Templeton. "One of the board members suggested that if we couldn't expand the school, we could always reduce the student body. Err, bodies."

"Had I known the school would begin a wholesale slaughter of community's children, maybe I would have voted for the bond issues," lamented Mitch Rutledge, the parent of a child executed September 5th for passing notes in class. "It's too late now to save my son. But look at all the money I saved! I guess it was an even trade."

Some parents and grandparents hold a more supportive view. "Ah, to hell with them," says Floyd Gillespie, a graduate of the Jackson Class of 1940 and staunch capital punishment advocate. "These whippersnappers in school have it easy now. When I was a boy back in the good ol' days, the teachers wouldn't just kill you for misbehaving. They'd torture you, set you on fire, run over you with a car, kill you, back up and run over you again just for spite, and then kill you one more time. I got killed more times than I can count! If you ask me, we're coddling these little spoiled monsters by only giving them a firing squad. When I was young, I would have been happy to been given only one bullet in my brainpan!"

The school had previously banned corporal punishment as well, only to see it brought back in the early 1990's. Superintendent Templeton sees the reinstatement of capital punishment as a logical progression. Execution of unruly students had been banned in the early 1960's.

"We keep trying new ways to discipline our students. Nothing seemed to work. With drugs, violence, baggy pants, and overcrowding plaguing our public schools, we saw this as the only attractive option," says Templeton. "Believe you me, our students are now the best behaved in the world. They're so courteous that they raise their hands for permission to raise their hand."

"We're not only reducing class size to the point where we don't need to expand the school, but we're also saving a bundle in teacher bonuses. We don't need to pay anyone to stay after school and supervise detentions any more. A single bullet is much more cost effective."

The firing squad at Jackson schools has been extremely busy already. Just in the past week, three-fourths of the sophomore class was wiped out for tardies, whispering, public displays of affection, and dress code violations. Civil liberty activists described the action as "sophomorcide".

Others, who contend that sophomores are the most wretched, annoying creatures on the planet, applauded the move.

Templeton doesn't seem worried about community reaction. "The community is supportive of our efforts. Most importantly, overcrowding shouldn't be a big problem now," he added with a grin.