Muscular Dystrophy Cured; Jerry Lewis Applies for Food Stamps
Fake News written by on Sunday, September 3, 2000
PIEDMONT, MO -- The 35th anniversary MDA Telethon was canceled abruptly today after Piedmont resident Mildred Reynolds inadvertently discovered the cure for muscular dystrophy.
"As it turns out, crystal methamphetamine cures muscular dystrophy, when Jerry Lewis couldn't do it after all these years," the twenty-eight year old Ms. Reynolds said. "I haven't walked thanks to muscular dystrophy since I was a kid. A few hits of meth, and I'm cured! I may even start running soon, especially if the cops find out where I'm at."
The news stunned the world, and sent conventional pharmaceutical stocks plummeting. Both gubernatorial candidates in Missouri pledged not only to decriminalize the drug, but to implement state funding for meth production.
Republican nominee for governor, Jim Talent, had been running tough anti-meth campaign commercials. His office issued this statement: "Oops."
"Next, we're making meth a prescription drug," said Democrat nominee Bob Holden. "Free meth for everyone!"
Area television stations are scrambling for programming to fill the 21.5 hour gap suddenly in their schedules by the demise of the MDA Telethon.
"This really sucks," said Bub Hickman, program director at KFVS-12 in Cape Girardeau. "We're going to have to show over twenty hours of 'Cooking With Angie' and 'Heartland Business Break' to make up for this sudden loss of quality Labor Day programming. This is going to really be a dark day in the history of mass media."
WSIL plans on showing all three "Smokey and the Bandit" movies on endless loop for Labor Day, while WPSD plans on doing much the same with re-runs of the Dukes of Hazzard. KBSI has decided to show dead static, reckoning that no one will really notice the difference. "Who the hell really ever watches the Telethon, anyway?" said KBSI management in a terse news release.
Jerry Lewis, who has hosted the telethon since it's inception, reportedly applied for food stamps and public housing after the telethon was cancelled. Mobs of people who had made donations to the MDA in the past are demanding refunds, which has bankrupted Mr. Lewis almost instantaneously.
"I haven't had a career in over thirty years," Lewis lamented. "How could someone go out and cure muscular dystrophy? That was the only job I had! Now I'm going to have to drink forty-ouncers, smoke blunts, and wear outrageously baggy pants like the majority of America's welfare class."
Lewis is scheduled to visit a dentist tomorrow to have a gold tooth put in, so he won't feel so out of place in the ghetto.
The economy of France also imploded overnight as the remnants of Jerry Lewis' career were shattered. The government in Paris insists that the economic collapse is "unrelated."
Thousands of people formerly afflicted with muscular dystrophy are steadfastly refusing to help Jerry Lewis in his hour of need.
"To hell with him," said one former MD patient, while training for the next New York Marathon. "Jerry Lewis never did squat for me. He jerks the American public off for thirty-five years, only to get shown up by some backwoods Missouri meth-head? Let him starve."