Cute girl found in online personal ads
Fake News written by on Tuesday, August 15, 2000
"Bullshit," says skeptic.
ORAN, MO -- Local convenience store clerk Jeff Sturgess, 18, announced today that he met a gorgeous girl through the Internet on "Yahoo Personals". Furthermore, he claimed to have had wild romping sex with her at an undisclosed hotel in Cape Girardeau.
Sturgess claims that the mystery girl in question responded to his Personals ad and then propositioned him.
"She was like, 24, and like, a stripper," Burgess said at a press conference held today in the basement of his parent's house. "She was so hot. It was like being in a porno, man. I was totally molested by this nameless, foxy vixen that no one can prove ever existed. I mean, what are the odds?"
Some local authorities believe that Burgess' claims of meaningless, fleeting sexual ecstasy with an unnamed she-devil are dubious at best.
"Bullshit," commented Steven "Skillet" Hudson, Sturgess' best friend and well known local gravedigger. "Everybody knows that there aren't any cute girls on Internet chat. Jeff lies about this stuff all the time. Back in the tenth grade, he even claimed to have met this beautiful girl from Alabama and had sex with her three times. That was a lie. So is this."
Dr. Bob Knutt, professor in the Computer Science Department at Southeast Missouri State University, seems to agree.
"Studies show that 90% of the eligible females that have singles ads on the Internet are either overweight, grossly disfigured, married and sneaking around, dating and sneaking around, divorced and looking for a daddy for their kids, disease ridden mongoloid whores, or some combination of all the above."
"Finding a good looking woman on the Net is like getting a picture of Bigfoot or the Abominable Snowman," Knutt said. "It's a nice myth but I'm not sure it exists."
When asked about the possibility of the other 10% of the ladies being attractive, Dr. Knutt replied: "Oh, them? The other 10%? That's all guys masquerading as girls. Forget about it."