New Study Reveals 88% of Rodeo Attendees Have Never Ridden A Horse
Fake News written by on Monday, August 14, 2000
"Define 'ride'," says concerned Mayor.
SIKESTON, MO -- A shocking new survey by The Cape Rock indicates that the Sikeston Jaycee Bootheel Rodeo's attendees were amongst the least "country-western" in the world.
"These folks might be country, maybe, but definitely not western," said Glitter de Sade, the Rock's part-time receptionist, bouncer, and survey-taker at last week's rodeo. "According to my stats, 88% of these people have never ever even ridden a horse."
"Sales of 'western wear' normally skyrocket around Rodeo time. This is because no one in southeastern Missouri actually wears this ridiculous garbage more than once per year. They have to go buy the special outfit just for this occasion," said Lawanda Crockett, cashier at Wally's Western World. "We'll be ready for next year's rush, don't you worry."
Sikeston Mayor Orville Anderson quickly rushed to defend his citizens against the allegation that they weren't real cowboys. "Who's to say that none of these here folks have never rode a horse? I rode one of them little horsey rides at the SEMO District Fair, one time when I was a kid. Does that count?" Mayor Anderson asked. "Please say it counts."
After being informed that it obviously didn't count, he became frustrated. "Oh, hell. Define 'ride'. On second thought, don't."
Census results from 1990 indicate that the primary transportation method for people in southeast Missouri has been "car", not "horse", since the 1920's. Furthermore, there was no one in the region with a job title of "cowboy", "desperado", "outlaw", "vaquero," "dude ranch owner", or "bandit".
In fact, no one alive can seem to ever recall seeing herds of wild mustangs roaming the Missouri countryside. Much less "ropin' a dogie". This did not stop thousands of people from dressing like country music stars at last week's event.
"Can I tell you a secret?" whispered rodeo fan Buck Dooley, looking around to make sure no one could hear. "I find these big goofy hats and these awful belt-buckles to be real uncomfortable. These tight, slick-heeled boots suck, too. I'd just as soon have me a nice John Deere cap and a pair of clod-hoppers on my feet if'n I had the choice. Right now I'm just trying to fit in with the crowd."
"And I mean, what's up with these people anyway? Who in their right mind would want to climb on top of a pissed-off bull with spurs strapped to it's gonads? Especially for what these crazy bastards get paid?" said Dooley. "Forget that, man. There ain't enough Stag in the world to make me do that. Instead of all this rasslin' with these bulls, I'd just shoot 'em. Lots less trouble."