Richard Nixon wins GOP Primary for Cape House Seat
Fake News written by on Wednesday, August 9, 2000
"I didn't even know he was alive. Much less that he lived in Cape", says stunned Purcell.
CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO -- In a surprise move Tuesday, deceased President Richard M. Nixon won the hotly contested Republican primary race for the Missouri House of Representatives 158th District seat. An overwhelming write-in vote lifted Nixon to victory over three other challengers.
A visibly distraught Jason Crowell wept openly at the news. "I've been chumming up to Republicans and playing politics since college. I got the obligatory law degree and the big endorsements. I'm shocked," he said. "Now I'll have to wait until 2002 to find another office to run for."
"The people of Cape obviously wanted the candidate that was the most patriotic, the most pro-gun, the most anti-abortion, the lowest on taxes, the biggest on school vouchers, the best at bible-thumping, the biggest on the death penalty, the toughest on crime, and the most willing to misspend all the tobacco money to pimp out their souls for the elderly vote. I saw that from the depths of hell and said, piss on these other three lightweights," said Nixon, from the fringes of purgatory and rising quickly. "I'm just the man for the job."
"If you thought I was cold before, wait until you've dug me up from the ground after a few years. This is just the beginning of my comeback," bragged Nixon. "As a side note, if Jason Crowell snivels any more about this, I'll have him arrested and beaten thoroughly by the Secret Service. I'm going to outlaw everything when I take office, and I'm starting with him."
Nixon's victory caught the state, and the nation, by surprise.
"I didn't think he was alive, much less living in Cape," said defeated city councilman Jay Purcell in a conciliatory statement Wednesday morning. "On the other hand, the Missouri Constitution doesn't specifically prohibit dead people from holding office. Hypothetically, as a spirit, Mr. Nixon could live anywhere he wants. I suppose I'll support the people's decision."
Local businessman Stan Wicks was a bit upset over the primary results, as well. "Just because Richard Nixon never got a felony record, and I did, this is what happens? I got beat by a dead guy? It's just not fair." Wicks plans to run as an independent candidate in the general election, using the motto: "He doesn't live, so how can he enjoy life?" as his catchphrase against Nixon.
Democratic candidate Tom Neumeyer, who won his primary without opposition and will face Nixon's ghost in November, said only , "Uh-oh."