Huge Sale At OfficeLeast! [Well, Maybe Not]

Fake News written by OfficeLeast Stores on Thursday, August 3, 2000

from the better-read-the-fine-print-first dept.

The OfficeLeast® superstore in Sikeston, Missouri is proud to announce an unprecedented 90% off sale! All five people who have been into our store since it opened last year have been amazed at our wide selection and decent prices. Now we want everybody to stop by -- so we've authorized this limited time promotional extravaganza as a way to increase our sales and prevent bankruptcy.

Next Saturday morning, from 7:00am to 7:15am, everything in the store will be 90% off the lowest marked price! This offer applies to everything in the store. Well, everything except for...

  • Computers
  • Laptops
  • Handheld computers
  • Monitors
  • Keyboards
  • Printers
  • Hard drives
  • Floppy drives
  • CD-ROM and CD-RW drives
  • DVD drives and players
  • Tape backup drives
  • ZIP and LS-120 drives and accessories
  • Optical storage drives and accessories
  • Laserdisc drives and discs
  • SCSI adapters, cables, and accessories
  • IDE adapters, cables, and accessories
  • USB components
  • FireWire components
  • Modems
  • Speakers
  • Multimedia peripherals
  • Power strips
  • Surge protectors
  • Uninterruptible Power Supplies
  • Cables
  • Cable adapters and converters
  • Computer mice
  • Floppy diskettes
  • Scanners
  • Memory
  • Expansion boards
  • CPU fans and heatsinks
  • CPU upgrades
  • Game software
  • Productivity software
  • Microsoft software
  • Operating systems
  • Shrinkwrapped software (except for a few titles that we are desperate to get rid of)
  • Digital cameras and accessories
  • Film cameras and accessories
  • Personal Digital Assistants
  • Just about any other piece of computer hardware or software that we happened to leave out of the above list
  • Writing instruments
  • Calendars
  • Planners
  • Electronic organizers
  • Paper organizers
  • Notebooks
  • Binders
  • Calculators
  • "Dilbert" merchandise (except for leftover 1999 calendars that we found sitting in the back room)
  • Fax machines
  • Word processors
  • Typewriters
  • Copiers
  • Toner
  • Printer ribbons
  • Ink cartridges
  • Paper
  • Scissors
  • Cardstock
  • Boxes
  • Envelopes
  • Sticky notes
  • Glue
  • Cellular phones
  • Telephones
  • Answering machines
  • Televisions
  • Radios
  • Stereo equipment and accessories
  • Clipboards
  • Filing cabinets
  • Containers
  • Desk blotters
  • Labels
  • Label makers
  • Overhead projectors
  • Transparencies
  • Posterboards
  • Briefcases
  • Carrying cases
  • Bookcases
  • Lightbulbs
  • Executive chairs
  • Task chairs
  • "Budget" chairs (those uncomfortable chairs that penny-pinching companies buy for their less valued employees)
  • Tables
  • Desks
  • Shelving
  • Lamps
  • Window blinds
  • Wallpaper
  • Fake award plaques and trophies
  • Wallets
  • Purses
  • Furniture made out of particleboard or plastic (we don't carry anything that contains real wood)
  • Paper shredders (except "Clinton's Choice®" brand shredders)
  • Tape recorders
  • Books
  • Magazines
  • Newspapers
  • Maps and atlases
  • Any other product that is composed of electrons, protons, neutrons, quarks, and/or other subatomic particles

Mark your calendar for this once-in-a-lifetime inventory reduction sale! If our profits don't increase at this event, then the next sale you hear about might be a going-out-of-business sale. So don't miss this event!