The grapevine is alive and well in Neckred County

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Sunday, July 30, 2000

from the it's-not-quite-a-hooters-restaurant dept.

REDTON -- It doesn't take long for news to spread across the county seat of Neckred County. When Bob, the owner of Bob's All-You-Can-Scarf Restaurant, decided to drum up business by hiring a sexy new waitress... well, business certainly did drum up. And how!

At around 11:30am yesterday morning, when Bob hired Barbella, the new waitress, only about five people were at the restaurant. Within 20 minutes just about every adolescent male and single guy from Neckred County had descended on the restaurant.

"My buddy John came over and he said we had to go to Bob's restaurant right now," explained Fred Harrow, a local resident who was recently declared a "Town Drunk" by popular vote of the city council. "I asked why... when he told about Barbella... well, let's just say I ran to that restaurant faster than I've ever ran before."

"Damn, I should've done this years ago," Bob was overheard exclaiming as he surveyed the gathering crowd of drooling men. Unfortunately for Bob, most of the patrons were so busy staring at Barbella's chest that they weren't actually ordering anything.

At first Barbella seemed to enjoy the attention, along with all the money stuffed down her oversized bra. But a roomful of men aren't going to oogle at you for long without making rude comments, such as, "D'you remember that elk I shot last year in Colorado? The racks on that elk were nothing compared to the racks on that waitress!"

Soon after Barbella yelled, "There's a lot more freakin' perverts in this here county than I thought! If I hear one more elk joke..."

Several more wisecracks later and Barbella quit. "I've had enough of this crap," she said while waltzing out the door, but not before striking one of the perverts over the head with a folding chair. Nobody stuck around after she left; within 2 minutes the restaurant was empty. Only Gerald, playing the illegal slot machines in the back room, remained. "Bob hires a scantily-clad waitress and I'm back here completely unaware of it!" Gerald moaned. "Dammit I really gotta do something about my gambling addiction."