Preview Of This Season's Television Lineups
Feature written by on Saturday, July 29, 2000
Great disasters -- earthquakes, floods, fires, tornadoes -- have plagued mankind for millennia. But this fall the United States is about to face another horrible disaster: the fall network TV prime-time lineup. As a public service, we here at The Cape Rock have compiled the highlights (er, lowlights) of the coming 2000-2001 season. We personally recommend that you go find a good book or website to read while this disaster unfolds.
Who wants to be a millionaire? -- Putting "Jeopardy" and Alex Trebek out of business, one ridiculously easy question at a time.
Who wants to be embarrased on national TV by Regis Philbin? -- More of the same, except now contestants have to perform stupid, embarrasing stunts.
The Regis Philbin Hour -- Regis, the Most Popular Man In America(tm), finds ways to fill an hour-long variety show.
Americans Just Can't Get Enough Of Regis -- Part of "All Reege, All The Time" every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights.
Won't somebody please think of the children? -- Investigative reports into the dangers that affect your child. Pilot episode: "Spoiled milk: the silent taste-bud killer"
Lame Disney Theater -- B-rated children's features from the 1970s that Disney found in its archives.
Three People Living In New York Apartments -- Continuing in the tradition of "Friends", "Seinfeld", and just about every other NBC sitcom during the past decade.
Five People Living In New York Apartments -- More of the same.
Four People, A Lovable Dog, and a Sexaholic Living In San Francisco Lofts -- Do any of the NBC executives have a single creative cell in their entire body?
Six People Living In L.A. Apartments -- 'Nuff said.
Law & Disorder -- Yet another cops-and-lawyers show sponsored by the American Bar Association to glorify trial lawyers.
Survivor III: Trapped at an airport during a snowstorm -- 16 desperate idiots who will do anything for national attention try to survive in the middle of a crowded airport with limited food and surrounded by belligerent airport employees.
Older Brother: Sequestered at a nudist colony -- Secret cameras follow the daily (and nightly!) lives of 10 people staying at a California nudist colony. For mature audiences only. (Mature children will receive instructions for disabling their TV's "V-Chip" via the school playground grapevine).
Touched By A Pervert -- A reformed pedophile tries to Follow The Light, but nearly gets killed in every episode by gun-toting neighbors who find his name on the state's sex offender list.
Mashed Bridges -- Another action show involving lots of car chases in which the good guys keep wrecking rental cars, bridge abutments, and produce vendor carts while cruising down the streets at impossible speeds.
Animated Special #15 (Title to be announced) -- The procrastinating writers haven't developed the setting or characters yet, but they might get around to it before the season begins. Otherwise FOX will just show reruns of classic reality shows such as "When Killer Beagles Attack" or "When Magicians Make Stupid Mistakes And Heads Start Rolling".
The HeX-Files -- Since the actors playing Mulder and Scully demanded too much money per episode, they were replaced by a new cast including a voodoo expert and a wiccan. The usual government conspiracy within a conspiracy within a conspiracy that nobody understands will continue unchanged.
Who wants to divorce a multi-thousandaire? -- Cameras track nasty divorce cases between middle-class antagonists as they take place in Judge Judy's courtroom.
When TV network executives produce really crappy show ideas -- The latest FOX reality show, this one tracks what happens when a network executive is fired and winds up as a McDonalds frymaster -- or worse.
Antiques Roadshow II: The Rest Of The Crap -- Rejected clips from previous Antiques Roadshow episodes in which people who think they've found a million dollar item in their attics soon learn that it might be worth about 10 cents.
Curbside Roadshow -- Antique dealers and appraisers scour through garbage cans and landfills looking for priceless heirlooms.
British Comedy Hour -- This is the only time slot you'll find genuinely funny shows this season, but it will be interrupted every 3.2 minutes by fundraising and pledge drive interstitials so it won't be worth watching.
Wall $treet Week with Louis Rukeyser -- The most annoying man in America tries to give you stock tips.
Lawrence Welk City Limits -- Nothing more than a speedbump for channel surfers, forcing them to hit the "NEXT CHANNEL" button one more time.