Missouri General Assembly Disbands!
Fake News written by on Wednesday, July 26, 2000
JEFFERSON CITY -- In an unprecedented event that has stunned the entire country, nearly half of Missouri's House and Senate members have resigned. The Legislature has effectively disbanded, sending the capital city into a state of chaos and confusion.
One (former) Representative from St. Louis exclaimed, "Lawmakers in Missouri have virtually no power these days. From the tobacco settlement to the Kansas City desegregation ordeal to the State Attorney General blowing us off... Everybody has power in this state except lawmakers." She added, "We're sick and tired of this crap and we're not going to take it anymore."
Most of the Legislators who resigned today announced their intent to become practicing lawyers or run for state office in the Executive branch. Explained one local Senator, "Look at Jay Nixon... he can accept campaign contributions from a law firm and then turn around and hire the firm's lawyers in the tobacco suit... and nobody says anything. But if a Senator tried to do that, we'd be accused of a Conflict of Interest faster than Bill Clinton can say 'I'm sorry'! It's obvious that I need to change my line of work. I'm becoming a bureaucrat."
Other resignees expressed similar opinions. "Executive agencies can pass regulations that are just as binding as any law of the land. And the President can issue Executive Orders with as much force as anything. But if we pass a bill -- assuming Tax Man Carnahan doesn't veto it -- it can be repealed in the next session. Checks and balances my ass. Thomas Jefferson must be rolling in his grave."
Quite a few ex-Representatives plan to pursue their agenda from outside of the government. For instance, one politician from Springfield explained, "For years now I've been campaigning against fast food companies that advertise fattening, unhealthy food to children. They are engaged in a conspiracy to addict our children to life-threatening crap -- just like the tobacco companies are doing. As a Representative I haven't been able to do anything about it. But if I become a lawyer, I can just sue for a few trillion dollars and put McDonalds out of business. Who needs a General Assembly when you can write your own laws in the courtroom?"
Nevertheless, not all Legislators have resigned. Some, currently taking taxpayer-funded vacations to tropical islands (for "conferences", of course), are still unaware of the crisis in Jeff City. And still others disagree with the idea that they don't have any real power. Senator Phil E. Buster (D-Kansas City) said, "Last year I slipped in a rider to an unrelated bill that appropriated $2.1 billion to construct a new four-lane freeway between my two mansions. That's what I call power."
The situation in downtown Jeff City can only be described as chaotic. Nobody is entirely sure how the unexpected disbanding of the General Assembly will affect government functions. "The State Constitution is several hundred pages long but it doesn't have any provisions for an event like this," stated a SEMO political science professor. "I say we take advantage of this situation and start from scratch with a new system in which college professors hold all of the power."
Governor Carnahan conducted a hasty press conference just hours ago in an attempt to restore some semblance of order. He said, "Well, I suppose I could call for a special election to fill all of the vacant seats. Or maybe not. I kind of like this new situation; I'm pretty much in charge and nobody can stop me." Afterwards Carnahan was sighted at a nearby costume shop purchasing a gold crown, scepter, and royal throne to use tonight when he makes a special statement on TV.