Local newsanchor says something positive about the Internet!!!

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, July 10, 2000

from the call-guiness-book-of-world-records! dept.

NECKRED COUNTY -- You read that headline correctly. Leeroy Toupee, the anchor for the five o'clock evening news on KRED-TV Channel 9, presented a story last week about the Internet that didn't involve the words "pornography", "sexual predators", "stalkers", "hackers", "illegal drugs", "bomb-making instructions", "hate groups", "online gambling", "geeks with guns", "weapons smuggling", "Satanic cults", "terrorists", "cybersex", or "credit card fraud".

In the story, Leeroy described how people could use e-mail to communicate with others over long distances without dealing with the local telephone or postal monopolies. "You no longer need to pay $5.00 per minute to call out-of-state through Awfultel Co.," Leeroy said on-air. He also praised a new website that features a searchable US atlas. "It has the only map I've ever seen that actually shows Neckred County," he beamed.

Local residents were shocked that the Internet was praised on local TV. "I've always viewed the Net as the spawn of Satan created by a bunch of Left Coast dotcom liberals hell-bent on destroying proper American values," said Thelma Carper of Rattlesnake Ridge. "What with all the pornography, the websites on how to make bombs and meth, and the hacking and the fraud and such, the Net needs to be banned. I can't believe an upstanding member of the community like Mr. Toupee would encourage people to use the evil Net."

When asked, Thelma admitted she had never used the Internet or touched a computer. For that matter, she didn't know any friends or family who had either. "So? What I've seen on TV and read in the Redton Browbeater-Picayune [Newspaper] is all I need to know. The Internet is the spawn of Satan and it's corrupting our children." We tried to point out that many of the vices and evils she mentioned have been present since before the dawn of civilization, but she would have none of it. "Things were better in the good old days. Ever since the invention of the lightbulb this country has gone downhill."

Ernest Tortmeister, the circuit court judge, expressed a similar opinion. "Almost every day I get somebody in my court who wants a divorce because they've fallen in love with somebody else via the Internet. You see, they get that AOL, spend a bunch of time in those infernal chat rooms, and before long there's a "rendezvous" in Branson. If this keeps up, there won't be anybody left around here who hasn't been divorced at least twice. Something needs to be about this."

Faced with a torrent of criticism, Leeroy Toupee announced last evening on TV, "Okay, so I was a little brash in praising the Internet last week. I apologize. You can stop sending in hate mail and bomb threats." He continued, "New at six, we'll kick off part one of our exclusive five-part report, 'Online Evils: How to protect your children, family, and livestock from such widespread Internet dangers as sexual predators, stalkers, con artists, terrorists, and drug-pushers.'"