Local Religious Activist Invents "Church"

Fake News written by David Lee Deville on Sunday, July 9, 2000

from the an-idea-whose-time-has-come dept.

"What's a church?" say baffled neighbors. "We've never heard of it."

COMMERCE, MO -- A local religious activist announced Friday that he had invented a new building called a "church".

Frustrated with the recent Supreme Court decision that effectively banned student-lead prayer at high school football games, Commerce resident Gunther Schlitt has taken matters into his own hands.

"I've had enough. My students can't have official group prayers in class. The kids can't lead group prayer at football games. The textbooks teach evolution, not creation. You can't post the Ten Commandments unless you go out of your way to make it part of a history class. You can't put "In God We Trust" anywhere. There's not even a moment of silence to contemplate your journey to eternal damnation," Schlitt says. "I thought, well, if the government's not going to teach my kids religion and guilt, who will?"

"That's when I decided to invent `church'."

Under Schlitt's revolutionary vision, people of similar religious beliefs would gather in a building and pray together. This would happen on their own time, on private property.

The idea hasn't proved popular with some.

"What's a church?" said baffled neighbors. "We've never heard of it."

"I only make it a point to only pray in public," commented Bo McClard, who is considering joining Schlitt's so-called "church" but is unsure. "I always make sure I pray in front of as many people as possible, to show how religious I am. I put as many Virgin Mary statues and Ten Commandments signs in my yard as I can, just to prove my love of God. Also, if someone isn't my religion, I make sure I ridicule them properly so maybe they'll see the light. And I teach my kids to do the same."

"But pray in a church?" McClard sneered. "I don't know about that. It sounds pretty far out. The schools should be performing that basic parental function for me already."

Under Gunther Schlitt's preliminary designs for "church", the people would be led by someone called a "pastor", "preacher", or "priest". This leader would coordinate singing, praying, and Bible study as many seven nights a week and twice on Sundays.

"This idea makes a lot of sense," Schlitt said. "If you only work or attend school eight hours a day and sleep eight hours per day, there's actually eight hours left over. Even if the government doesn't let you pray in school, you can use as much of your free eight hours as you want attending church or related activities."

Schlitt is also contemplating using "church" as a place to sponsor charitable efforts, host marriages and funerals, and possibly even another radical concept: "private religious schools".

"I think `church' might be a good idea. We'll see if it catches on," said an optimistic Schlitt. "Maybe someday people can actually even pray inside their own homes. But only time will tell."