The Great Cape Race of 2000

Fake News written by Shane on Friday, July 7, 2000

from the you-can't-get-there-from-here-in-cape dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- It all started at a tavern. Clayhod J. Scholfield started bragging about his jacked-up 1970 Ford ICV (Inferiority Complex Vehicle) pick-up truck, while his friend Malcom Frobison kept harping about his environmentally-friendly new bicycle (which, incidentally, is worth more than the pick-up truck). Before long they had placed a wager on who could get across town the fastest. Thus began the Great Cape Race of 2000.

The race, they decided, would start near the intersection of Lexington and Kingshighway and end at Shawnee Park on the southern end of town. What Mr. Scholfield didn't know, as someone who had never exercised in his entire life, is that the city had recently finished the five-mile long Cape La Croix Recreation Trail for pedestrians and bicyclists.

Last Monday, at 2:30PM, the race began. Mr. Scholfield removed the cans of Stag from his front seat and sped on down Kingshighway. After spotting him, an unmarked police car, seen several times wielding radar near the college, trailed him just in case those Stag cans weren't empty. Meanwhile, Mr. Frobison took to the La Croix trail with nothing but his bike and a 44 oz. cup of Eye-Opener(R) brand caffeinated beverage.

Mr. Scholfield felt quite sure of himself as he sped down Kingshighway at 65MPH for ten seconds before getting caught behind a blue-hair driver hogging the left lane. As he yelled expletives at the cars he was tail-gating, he thought to himseld, "How could that eco-freakish friend possibly beat him to the other end of town on a bicycle when he was driving the best vehicle ever to come from the 1960s?"

It didn't quite work out that way he wanted. According to the policeman trailing him, he was nearly involved in three wrecks before even reaching Cape Rock Drive. One of those near-misses resulted from Mr. Scholfield's inability to use his turn signal, which he hadn't touched since 1978. Later on, two other drivers nearly slammed into him while trying to use the center turn lane as a place to merge into traffic.

Meanwhile, Mr. Frobison enjoyed easy progress on the bike trail, only stopping once after nearly running over a couple walking their dog. Oh, and nature called after he finished gulping down his 44 oz. beverage, delaying him for a short time.

On the other hand, Mr. Scholfield did not enjoy easy progress down Kingshighway. After getting sick of waiting at red lights, he sped through the next intersection even though the light had turned red, only to be nearly broadsided by a tractor-trailer. Afterwards, knowing that his turn was only 3 miles ahead, he decided to stay in the left lane and let other cars pass him on the right.

It should come as no surprise, then, that the bicyclist beat the motorist to the park by a span of 15 minutes. Even if Mr. Scholfield hadn't been pulled over for speeding, reckless driving, and running a red light, he still would've lost the race. He protested the outcome of the race, but eventually made good on his wager by handing over two cases of Stag and a 10-point deer antler.