Sensational All-Humidity Diet Unveiled
Fake News written by on Friday, July 7, 2000
CARUTHERSVILLE, MO -- A local health and fitness guru has unveiled a daring, controversial new weight loss plan. Instead of altering your diet or exercising, Caruthersville native Jocephus Brown recommends "lots and lots of humidity."
Brown is marketing his "All-Humidity Diet" with a new book and a television program. The TV show is called "Sweatin' with Jocephus" and airs at 11:00 AM every day on Channel 9.
The show consists of Jocephus, a 300 pound black man, sitting outside in a lawn chair sweating profusely and bitching about the heat.
"Damn," he says in the first episode. "Hot enough for you?" This phrase is repeated numerous times in the half hour program.
Mr. Brown says that he got the idea for his new diet by actually going outside one day in July. "It was real damned hot," he says. "I lost ten pounds just sweating. I thought, wow, this could be a diet idea."
It was the first time Brown had been outside since late 1997, when he went to a neighbor's house to borrow a crack pipe.
"My diet is perfect. You don't have to eat nasty foods or exercise. Just go outside, stand there, and you'll sweat. Missouri in the summertime is so damned hot and humid, you can't help but lose weight."
"If you're lucky," Brown added, "you might get bitten by a few hundred mosquitoes, too. That definitely helps with the weight loss."
Hundreds of people have already benefited from Brown's diet. "I lost eighty pounds in less that two weeks!" said devoted humidity enthusiast Juanita Thompson of Portageville. "All I had to do was turn off the air conditioning and sweat like a lunatic. I did spend some time in the hospital for heat stroke, but it was worth it! I can see my feet now!"
Mr. Brown is so sure his weight loss plan works, he's even launched a new campaign to outlaw air-conditioning.
"AC is the biggest health hazard in the world", he said in an appearance last week before the Food and Drug Administration in Washington. "People stay inside all day, and they aren't sweating, so they get fat. We need to ban this air conditioning menace and make sure our citizens are properly humidified."
"Jocephus kind of has a point," said Jo Ann Emerson, U.S. Representative from Cape Girardeau. "Have you ever seen a picture of a fat Native American from the old days? Of course not. It's because they were too busy sweating to get fat."
Emerson has promised to look into introducing a bill to restrict air conditioning use during the summer months.
She added wryly, "I keep getting irate calls from people concerned with global warming. But that's no longer a problem with the Jocephus Diet. The hotter it gets, the more weight we all lose. It's a win-win situation -- especially for me, since this means I'll win more votes."