Everyone sick of hearing about "fireworks safety"

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, July 5, 2000

from the a-time-honored-tradition dept.

An unscientific survey conducted by The Cape Rock on July 4th revealed that 99% of the local population was getting sick of being told to "play it safe" during the holiday. One survey participant summed up our findings nicely: "This is supposed to be Independence Day. Instead it's become 'Be Careful With Those Fireworks Day' and 'While On The Highway Play It Safe And Keep An Eye On That Drunken Driver Who Is Tailgating You Day'. Heck, with all the public safety announcements and stepped-up police patrols, you'd expect half the population to keel over following a car wreck or a fireworks mishap."

One University professor we contacted, just back from a vacation to Siberia to escape from the Missouri humidity, explained, "This is all part of the tradition. Giving safety warnings to everyone you meet on July Fourth is a ritualistic activity that's no different than hunting for plastic eggs in a city park or leaving out stale milk and cookies 'for Santa Claus'. It just wouldn't be the Fourth of July unless every TV news program broadcasted an endless stream of warnings and safety tips."

While most people we surveyed admitted that many injuries and deaths do take place over the holiday, they still felt the over emphasis on safety ruined everything. Said Morgan Whaples, a Fredericktown resident who spent his entire life savings ($230.42) on fireworks last week, "If I want to blow myself up with cheap made-in-Taiwan pyrotechnics, then that's my business. Don't badger me with safety messages. If one more person tells me to be careful, they'll find a bottle rocket up where the sun don't shine."

We found one local resident who was quite animated on the subject. "Two years ago I was driving with my wife on July 4th... Of course she's a back-seat driver, always telling me to be careful and drive slow and proceed with caution. Well, you see, she saw this cop car ahead and screamed for me to slow down (even though I wasn't speeding). Her screaming caused me to hesitate and run off the road, nearing hitting a large cow. If she would've shut up and kept her stupid warnings to herself, none of that would've happened. Bah! Next year, if you want to contribute to July Fourth safety, shut up!"