Gubernatorial Candidates Debate "Sexfare"
Fake News written by on Monday, July 3, 2000
"Nobody rides for free," says Talent.
JEFFERSON CITY -- Last Friday, Missouri's gubernatorial candidates engaged in a bitter debate over the future of a proposed measure to make sex a welfare item. Or, as some have already called it, "Sexfare".
"Government already gives you food, shelter and water if you cannot provide it for yourself," presumptive Democratic nominee Bob Holden said during the debate. "I propose we take it to the next step and provide sex as a form of welfare, as well."
This statement caused cheers among the sparse crowd.
Surprisingly, the Republican candidate, Jim Talent, offered no strong arguments against socialized nookie. Instead, he was quick to offer a similar plan of his own that is slightly less intrusive.
"No one denies that there are a lot of sexually deprived people out there that need help," Talent said. "Most of the sex is being held hostage by a very small, greedy portion of the population. Instead of socialized sex, though, I would be more in favor of a voucher system."
"We've got to make sure that there's still competition in the reproductive market, but at the same time, fairness," Talent said while explaining his voucher system. "The last thing we want is for people to completely depend on government for their sexual gratification. We've got to make sure that nobody rides for free. And judging by the tremendous success of all our other programs for income redistribution, we know that dependence and complacency never, ever happen with government programs."
"As you all know, the Democratic party specializes in catering to minorities," Holden admitted. "We're creating a new one here, the `Sexually Challenged'. We're going to give them free, untaxed government goodies at the expense of others, and in return they will vote for us every year. Then we'll make it illegal to discriminate against them, and politically incorrect to call them `pathetic losers'. This modus operandi has worked well for other groups ranging from the elderly to Polish-Armenian-Bolivian-Americans. I would wager that it will work here too."
"I wish we had thought of it first," Talent lamented. "What a gold mine. Tapping into the sexually frustrated vote is huge."
Under the terms of Holden's plan, the government would provide the sexually deprived with sex at least three times per week. Who sleeps with who, however, would be left up to the state government bureaucracy.
Missouri citizens would fill out a form similar to a 1040 tax form each year (already dubbed the "1069 Form"), describing in detail how many times they had sex the previous year and with whom. The state government would then assign sexual benefits based upon those with the greatest need.
"Don't even try to cheat on these forms," Holden warned. "If you think the IRS audits are bad, wait till we get hold of you. Rubber hoses and bright lights are just the tip of the iceberg with our brutality."
Cameras will be installed in every bedroom in Missouri to make sure the taxpayers are honest about their sexual "wealth".
A new government department will be created to oversee the redistribution of sexual wealth. It is tentatively named The Missouri Department of Sexual Equality. The new department, headed by the Secretary of Bedroom Affairs, will have absolute control over who has sex with whom.
"Well, that pretty much does it for Charles Darwin and the Theory of Evolution," sighed Dr. Bob Bigelow, professor of biology at East Jesus State University in East Jesus, Missouri. "I'm packing up my stuff and retiring now. Natural selection just got thrown out the window, and our species is doomed. Let's just hope that when the mutant superintelligent cockroaches conquer the planet they will do so quickly and painlessly."
Glitter de Sade, receptionist for The Cape Rock and aspiring supermodel, said: "This law would be completely unfair to beautiful people like myself. If it's passed, all the good looking girls and guys will just move out of state. I'm not going to be forced into putting out for losers, trolls and geeks. Unless maybe they pay me a lot."
Polls show that this proposal is immensely popular. Holden now holds a commanding 83% to 17% lead over Talent, mainly due to his desire to "Spread The Nookie".
"In the old days, it was `a chicken in every pot.' Now, it's a hot chic in every bed. What is this country coming to?" said a local Libertarian activist who declined to be named, fearful of retribution from violent, riotous pro-sex mobs. "Pretty soon, anyone who is against this proposal will be demonized as anti-sex. Next, free sex will mysteriously become a `right' that the courts somehow find buried in the Constitution. Then, Democrats will try and use scare tactics to convince the voters that the Libertarians and the Republicans are out to `take away their right to sex'."
"I give up," he said. "I'm moving to Chile."