Win The Lottery, Buy A Double-Wide

Larry Cooner on Tuesday, June 20, 2000

from the some-take-lottery-tickets-as-collateral dept.

Howdy, y'all. Last time I promised to talk about the history of Neckred County, but unfortunately I can't do any researchin' 'cuz the Redton Library is closed following a bizarre incident involving Mr. N. E. Breeated (the Town Drunk). I'm not entirely sure what happened; all I know is that the library won't reopen until September. So I'll have to wait on that.

Instead, I'm gonna talk about the people from this area who've won the state lottery. There's two things Neckredians love: Bingo and Powerball. And a few have actually won millions. I tracked down some of the winners to see how they spent their money.

Bob and Edna Dorfelman of Unfairdealing won $2.2 million last year. They, like most winners, went out and bought a new double-wide the first thing. Now you might expect new multi-millionaires to go out and splurge on diamond rings or sportscars or livestock, but not the Dorfelmans: all they could think of was replacin' their 1974 House-On-Wheels(tm) brand single-wide with a 1999 Mansion-On-Wheels(tm) brand factory-built home.

There's one thing money can't buy, as the Dorfelmans discovered, and that's the elimination of annoying relatives and in-laws. It only took 5.2 milliseconds for the news to spread via the Gossip Network headquartered at the Redton Barber Shop, afterwards every relative and acquaintance was beating down the doors hopin' to cash in on their lottery winnings.

Everybody in the County instantly became Bob and Edna's friends, until the Dorfelmans finally got sick of it. They both had plenty of money to install an electrified barbed wire fence around their new double-wide to keep all the money-seeking "friends" away. Nobody has seen 'em since; they haven't left their enclave and they apparently get food and other supplies delivered via chopper out of St. Louis.

Some winners have fared better than the Dorfelmans. Steve Oldwonger of Rattlesnake Ridge won $1.1 million several years ago. He also bought a double-wide first thang... for his children, so he could finally get'em out of the house. Steve was a high-school dropout, but that didn't stop him from getting a college diploma. Money talks, after all, especially to the faculty members of a fly-by-night diploma mill. Steve now holds a Ph.D. in "Deer Hunting" which he purchased for $10,000 from the prestigious Garvard Downstairs Institute Of Technology in Gambridge, Georgia.

Bubba-Ray Anderson also won $1.2 million about three years ago -- not that he needs it. Bubba-Ray, you see, is the de facto head of the county's Good Ole Boy Network, which means he's the alpha male around these parts. As the owner and operator of the Kudzu Hollow Yard Ornament Factory ("Makers of bent-over-butts since 1972"), he was already close to being a millionaire. That just figures that the richest person in the county (that we know of, some of those meth dealers hiding out on Fatterson Mountain might have some money in an offshore tax haven) would win the lottery.

Mr. Anderson used his money to open up a Stag Beer franchise just outside of Redton. "I never want to be more than 10 steps away from a cold one," he said durin' a KRED-TV interview last year on "Jimbo's Ag Hour". "If that means opening up my own brewery, then so be it," he added. He also plans on buying the gum tree that Nathan Bedford Forrest might have spit on back in 1858 and turning the area into a public park.

And, finally, there's the sad case of Delores Schnitzenfeld, who gave all her $250,000 lottery winnings fives year ago to the leader of the First Church Of The Great Drunken One. I probably shouldn't call it a church, it was a cult. Back in '97 there was a standoff with Federal agents (who accused the cult members of polluting the Possum River with beer bottles without seeking the proper EPA environmental impact studies). It lasted five days before the Cult Leader (who called himself the "Plastered Prophet") secretly escaped from his compound and fled to Ole Mexico with Delores' money).

Ms. Schnitzenfeld is now trying to pay off the debt on the double-wide trailer she bought right after winning the lottery. She got her old job back with the Highway Department clearing roadkill off the roads and replacing bullet-ridden signs. So she's doin' okay, I s'pose.

Some people might call the lottery a "tax on the mathematically-challenged", but as I've shown, several Neckred County residents have beaten the odds and ventured forth into a fantasy land of double-wides, lifetime hunting permits, and Branson vacations. To all those suckers who've lost money on the stock market: you should'a played the lottery!

Well, that about wraps it up. I just got a call from some lady over in Rattlesnake Ridge about a pack of wild Bassett hounds tramplin' her garden, so I better run over there and catch 'em -- I am the elected County Dog Catcher, y'know. Next time I might talk a little about the new classes that the University plans to offer this fall at its Neckred County Learning Center (actually an old barn and outhouse). Until then, I'm Larry Cooner saying "Bye Y'all" from Neckred County.