Angry mob descends on furniture store

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, June 15, 2000

from the free-broken-pieces-of-wood-available dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Last week a furniture store in town advertised a "liquidation sale" with 50% off everything, "nothing held back". A large number of customers turned up to the event earlier today, hoping to find bargains. They didn't. When they discovered that the sale was a sham, they got angry. Really angry. The store originally planned to eliminate all of its inventory, which is exactly what happened -- because all of the furniture was damaged by the belligerent mob and had to be carted out to the dumpster.

Explained one bystander, "All these people pulled into the parking lot at once and came into the store... after looking around for a few minutes, one guy shouted, 'What a rip-off! This is false advertising!'. Everybody else screamed in agreement, and the situation went downhill from there."

The store's manager defended his promotional gimmick. "If people would read the Flyspeck-3 fine print at the bottom of the ad, they'd see that the '50% off' refers to full retail price, not our everyday low prices. There's nothing misleading about the promotion at all... I hope that the only furniture the looters will see during the next 5 to 10 years will be metal bunkbeds and porcelain toilets."

Nevertheless, the suspected instigator of the rioting told us from his cell in the County Jail, "What a crock. The 'sale prices' were higher than their ordinary prices. One chair I looked at two weeks ago was $600... but during this 'liquidation sale' scam, they marked the price up to $1,500 so they could offer it at a 50% 'discount' of $750! Somebody had to straighten these people out."

We overheard one gawker, who was watching the aftermath of the looting from a safe distance, say, "This is ludicrous. I can't believe all these people actually expected to get a bargain. The only cheap furniture you're gonna find is at the curb during Spring Cleanup."

The manager admits that the store's insurance policy doesn't fully cover "rioting, looting, or other destructive acts by disgruntled former customers". However, he plans to cut his losses and invest in new inventory so the store can reopen in time for the annual July 4th SofaFest promotion. "Of course," the manager added, "After that I'll have to come up with some new publicity gimmicks to attract more suckers... er, um... whoops, I meant to say 'special offers to attract more valued customers'. You better not quote that last sentence!"