Incest Rates Drop Slightly In Neckred County
Fake News written by on Monday, May 22, 2000
REDTON, MO -- Preliminary census results indicate that the number of inbreeders in relation to the total population dropped nearly ten percent in tiny Neckred County in the 1990's.
Neckred County, as both loyal readers know, is located somewhere in the hills between Wayne and Bollinger counties and is not on most maps.
"We're just tickled," Redton mayor Theon Bumpus said in an exclusive interview with The Cape Rock. "For years, we've had this unfair reputation as a bunch of incestuous, banjo-playing moonshiners. That's just not right. A lot of people even erroneously think Deliverance was filmed here, which is not really good for boosting tourism. Fact is, Ned Beatty never set one damn foot in this county, much less squealed like a pig."
"I hope this news will give us a better name," Bumpus added. "Although we might still be a ways from getting on any maps."
Incest incidents reached an all-time high of 65 per 100 families in the 1990 census results. The 2000 preliminary results indicate that the rate will be around 59 incidents per 100 households, the first drop since before the War of Northern Aggression.
A very few Neckred County residents are actually willing to openly defend incest as a lifestyle.
Delbert Schwanker of rural Redton, a part-time taxidermist and controversial pro-incest activist, is dismayed by the drop in consanguine carnal relations.
"Inbreeding gets a bad rap," Schwanker says. "Lots of kids have grown up with that system for years and years, and I'm kind of sad to see it go."
"INCEST IS BEST: PUT YOUR SISTER TO THE TEST," says a bold bumper sticker on Schwanker's 1976 Ford flatbed pickup truck.
"Sure, my son ain't got but three teeth in his head," Schwanker admits. "He can't count past ten without taking off his shoes, has a cleft palate, watches nothing but NASCAR races, and he's 21 years old. But there's good parts to this, too. He's flunked high school for seven straight years, and this makes him the best baseball player by far in our district. The other kids just can't hit that seven-fingered knuckleball he throws."
Local Baptist minister Floyd Waller is also somewhat sad to see the inbreeding rates dropping.
"I've ran a good business over the years marrying sisters and brothers, cousins and cousins, fathers and daughters, uncles and nieces, man and livestock, and so forth," said Reverend Waller. "In fact, I even give discounts for incestuous wedding ceremonies in my church. Since they only use one side of the aisle, it was a cheaper gig. I'm sad to see it go."
The good news regarding incest rates in Neckred County was tempered somewhat. The early census long-form results indicate a fifty percent increase in the number of respondents that indicated "Meth Lab" as their primary occupation.
In related news, Kentucky recently passed legislation allowing brother-sister "civil unions".