Three Cheers for Global Warming

Editorial written by Christopher Morrill on Saturday, April 22, 2000

from the happy-earth-day dept.

The last winter or two has been very nice. So nice, in fact, that a lot of people have started to wonder aloud: Is it global warming?

A lot of folks in the environmental movement seem to get all bent out of shape over the issue of global warming, despite the fact that half of them think "global cooling" is just as likely. Both are eager to present scientific data to prove their points, usually if you don't even ask. But the warm winters of late have brought a lot of these theories back to the forefront.

Let's assume, for just a moment, that global warming is the correct crackpot theory of the two. Let's also assume that man's use of CFC's, aerosol cans and Cheez-Wiz are destroying the ozone, suffocating the escape of greenhouse gasses and allowing the Earth's temperature to slowly rise. Let's also assume that this will cause the polar ice caps to melt, submerging coastlines, entire islands, and nations.

I kind of like this theory. You know me, always looking on the bright side of things. Global warming is good, and here's why.

Global warming will do wonders for southeast Missouri. Imagine, if you will, postcards depicting the green waters of the Gulf of Mexico lapping at the foot of floodwall in Cape. Imagine windsurfing down the Diversion Channel, parasailing right by the cruise ships docked in Thebes, Illinois. Imagine the Bill Emerson Memorial Causeway. With the impending destruction of Miami, New Orleans, Ft. Lauderdale, and all the other trendy coastal vacation spots, Cape Girardeau will become the new "getaway spot" by default.

This may sound like complete idiocy, which it is, but some scientists who subscribe to the global warming theory believe that it might melt enough ice to cause the Gulf of Mexico to creep right up the Mississippi. If we try hard enough, we can get it to Cape. It's going to require a team effort, but I'm ready to pitch in.

There would be drastic changes, of course. Real estate values would skyrocket as Cape Girardeau became the new tropical paradise. Unscrupulous landlords who long ago jumped on the Section 8 bandwagon, to the dismay of their neighbors, would be throwing out the poor left and right to make room for "Luxury Condominiums". Entire blighted south side neighborhoods would be wiped out to make room for sprawling mansions and golf courses. I personally find golf courses abhorrent, but the number of handguns per capita on a golf course, as opposed to, say, a public housing project, makes the trade palatable.

There are bad points to Cape becoming a tropical paradise. For example, entire cities will have to be submerged in order make way for us. You will only be able to see New Orleans' French Quarter with scuba gear, or perhaps glass-bottom boat. You will only be able to see Miami... well, forget Miami. That's probably not a huge loss for mankind. We'll probably lose New York as well, depriving countless TV shows of the opportunity to portray lonely, single, hip young professionals struggling to survive in Manhattan. Using that argument, I guess the Big Apple won't be missed too much either. The states of Florida and Texas will both have their immigration problems solved overnight, by ceasing to exist. It's a little hard to have an immigration problem in Houston, for example, if Houston is no longer there. It's an extreme solution, but it works in favor of Cape.

A lot of people may think that this viewpoint is just plain greedy, but I will point out the obvious: I don't live in New Orleans, Houston or Miami. So I don't care.

Jimmy Buffett will have to sing songs about Cape, simply because Key West has joined it's neighbor Miami in the depths of the Caribbean. With Florida no longer around to serve as the drug lord's point of entry to the U.S., Cape will begin to be pelted by 200 pound bales of cocain being errantly dropped from airplanes. Draft beer that used to cost a dollar at the disreputable redneck bars of southeast Missouri will suddenly cost at least $2.50, due to the influx of tourists and sun-seeking retirees. You might even see Leonardo DiCaprio at Bee-Gee's, which is an utterly frightening thought.

There are bad points to Cape becoming the Bahamas of the Midwest, but I'm willing to risk it. If we get a group effort together, such as running our air-conditioners twenty-four hours a day all year long, removing all cumbersome environmental laws so that factories are encouraged to spew carbon monoxide and other nasty things I can't pronounce into the sky, use aerosol sprays even if we don't need to, and fart a lot (in other words, eat a lot of chili), we can get it done. We can have those poor saps in Miami and Tampa ankle deep in seawater by next week if we really put our heads together.

As the Gulf of Mexico creeps up the Mississippi inch by inch, your real-estate values will go up right along with it.

I'm personally eyeing some high ground around Benton, but that's just me.