Bootheel Man Sees a Hill for the First Time; Is Hospitalized for Vertigo

Fake News written by David Lee Deville on Monday, April 17, 2000

from the he-won't-be-going-anywhere-near-colorado dept.

TALLAPOOSA, MO -- A lifelong Bootheel resident has been hospitalized in Cape Girardeau for severe vertigo attacks after seeing a hill for the first time.

Twenty-four year old Delbert Wilder had never left the tiny village of Tallapoosa (estimated 1998 population 180) in his entire life until last Wednesday, when he decided to risk it all and seek fame and fortune in "the big city" of Cape Girardeau.

"I'd always heard that Cape was like New York City," Wilder said from his hospital room, from behind an oxygen mask. "People told me since I was a little baby that Cape had stoplights. I always wanted to see stoplights."

According to Wilder, he decided to run away from his mother's house in Tallapoosa after she refused to let him keep cooking crystal meth in his bedroom. "I packed up my shit and took off," he said proudly. "I figured, if I could make it in Cape, I could make it anywhere."

He ruefully added, "No one told me about them there hills, though."

"I was hauling up the interstate, got past Sikeston, and saw Twappity Hill off in the distance. I said to myself, got-damn, there's a mountain! I ain't never seen a hill before, much less a mountain! The Bootheel ain't got nothing like that. It's all just flat, muddy, treeless, butt-ugly land." Wilder stated.

Rescue workers who arrived on the scene said that Wilder apparently made it up Twappity Hill in his 1974 AMC Gremlin, got dizzy from intense vertigo, and ran off the road into a gully. The change in altitude also caused extensive oxygen deprivation, as well.

"My ears popped, I started breathing real hard, and I just plum passed out," Wilder admitted. "Everything after that is kind of a blur."

Wilder denied that the half-empty open bottle of Wild Turkey in the vehicle and the sixteen marijuana joints in the ashtray contributed in any fashion to the accident.

Instead, he plans to file a lawsuit against the Missouri Department of Transportation (MoDOT) for not posting warning signs about the hill. "They oughta know better than to let a Bootheel boy try and drive up that hill without gettin' sick."

Wilder will be filing the lawsuit in Circuit Court as soon as he is released from the hospital, and plans to ask for damages in the amount of $10,000,000. "It's only fair," he said. "I've spent at least that much in my lifetime on lottery tickets."

MODOT representatives could not be reached for comment.